Dick GALORE

Some Great Dick Shots Were All Over The Internet This Year. Thanks To Websites Like IsAnyoneUp.com and WorldStarHipHop.com. We Got To See Chris Brown And Gabe Saporta. Or We Can Thank "Artist" Like Soulja Boy Twitpicing Himself.....Anyway Thanks Guys. Pete Wentz Is Nothing But Jealous.

Dirt Nasty Get It Together!

Stpid FUcking CAT!

ThisVideo Is Brought To YOU By MYCATISADICK.COM

NYE!!!

LET'S SAY NO TO

Things My Mom Says

I've Been Tweeting The Weird Things My Mom Says For A Few Years. But If You Read My Tweets It's Predominately About Sex So I'm Sure You Have No Idea What I'm Even Talking About. So After All The Crazy Stuff She's Said In The Last 24 Hours Alone. I've Decided To Write A Few Of Her Gems Down Here.


What She Has To Say About The Music Industry :

Eminem Has Such A Smooth Yet Spicy Voice. Like Cinnamon.

That Stephanie Girl? I Don't Like Her. She Looks Like An Alien With Vagina Lips.
(Fun Fact: She Scribbles Out Her Face In Every Magazine She Has)

On Athletes

He Looks Like Aladdin. You Know One Of Those Disney Princes.

I Hate Him. He's So Inmature. He Throws Kim Around. What An Asshole, He Lost Her Earrings In The Ocean.
(I Told Her I'd Let Him Throw Me Around. She Didn't Talk To Me For The Rest Of The Night)

That's Only From The Last Few Days. I'm Sure Our Two Christmas Dinners Will Really Pick It Up A Notch.

Terrible Tips For The Holidays

Here's A Little Video I Did Dishing Out Some Pretty Awful Advice To Party Guests And Hosts.

Talented Kids

I Can't Have Kids Of My Own. So I've Adopted Amazing Children On The Way.
One Of My Amazing Children Was In Grease With Me When I Was Still In High School. Not Only Is He An Amazing Singer. My Boy Can Sing And Dance Better Then Usher. Oh And Karate Chop A Mofo.
 I Love My Boys So Much. My Daughter Has The Ability To Pull It Out But The Boys Truly Love Mommy. Here's A Little Holiday Ditty My Baby Ape Did For Me.

ilove Jason Gettling

Where Are My Feet Suppose To Take Me

Here's One Of My Favorite New York Bands GONZO JONES Playing A Personal Anthem Of My Life.   These Funky Guys Are Phenomal Performers And Musicians. I Used To Dropped Everything With Little To No Money Hop The Train. Party All Night At One Of Their Shows....Crawl Back Onto The LIRR
And Work At 10 AM In East Hampton. Smelling Like Scott Disick's Balls...Which I Imagine Would Smell Like Foreign Oils, Sweat And Vodka.

I Love EB, Erik, Donovan And Of Course Chris With That Glorious Fro.

Holiday Gasp!

That's SNL's Weekend Update's New York Tourist Correspondent Stefan. This Is SNL's Holiday Card. Courtesy Of My Friend TJ Mannix.

I LOVE ERIC

I Miss The 90's DUH

Call Your Girlfriend

I Can Watch This A Million TImes.

Perfect Bitch

Stephanie March Is Best Known For Her Role On Law & Order: SVU. As District Attorney Alex Calbot. I'm Watching Head Of State. She's In It. I'm Not Really Paying Her Attention Because She's Just Not That Person That's Blowing Me AWay.

{Sidenote: 1) I Miss Bernie Mac 2) How Ironic Is It Head Of State Is ON HBO After Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign? BAHAHAHAH}


Back To The Snoozefest That Is Stephanie March. She's Married To Ginger Celebrity Chef Bobby Flay. So She Gets Publicity Whenever He Opens A New Burger Joint. She's So Boring To Me. I Love Her For Her Plainness And Her Ability To Play A Lawyer Or Politician

MADEMOISELLE YULIA GIMME GIMME by FAFI

LOVE THIS SONG
LOVE THIS VIDEO
LOVE THE FASHION STATEMENTS!!!

Hangover

I'm Loving This Song. But It's Making Me Wanna Vom Vom.

This Video Has Everything I Love.....Furries, Girls In Sailor Suits, Bobby Lee Half Naked, A Road Yacht, Dirty Bare Mattresses, Great Video Freeze Frames And Everywhere Taio Went He Finds Dead Hookers. Ah Mah Zing.

The Very End Is My Favorite Because I Want To Steal Bobby Lee And Have Him Be My Little Cabana Boy Like Bryan Callen In 90's Era MadTv.

Russians Are Assholes

I Read In Some Poll That Russians Were The Worst In Bed. Not Surprising. I Imagine It Being Really Fast To Cause Body Heat But It Would Be Really Short. Holy Potatoes Indy That's A Terrible Idea. Anyway Not Only Have They Defeated Napoleon And Hitler Then Defeated The SEX Game. They're Rough Enough To Live Those Awful Winters And Ride Around On Bears.....Even Their Rural/Stray Dogs Would Rather Ride The Subway To Get Away From Their Owners And Find Some Hot Dog Poon Before Dealing With Their Terrible Owners.

Anyway From This Video Below I Think It's More Then Apparent They're Heartless Assholes.

Even The Bears Are Drunks

Shorty Wanna Ride With Me?

Get Distracted With Me

Things I'm Furious About

Karl Slover Died After I Declared My Love For Him.........



Oliva Munn Is Fucking Annoying. She Wrote A Fucking Book. Not A Novel But A Biography. Ballsy For A Dumb Slut. I'll Write More About This Snaggle Vagina. I Have A Full Rant.

Jessica Simpson Is Finally Admitting She's Pregnant. How Many Months Is She? 65 Months Along? That Baby Is Gonna Be HUGEEEEEE. Just Do What Christina Did. Just Keeeeeeeeep Getting FATTER. Anyone See Christina Last Night? She's Like The Blonde Snooki. Hey Snickers This Is What You Look Like If You Were 2 Inches Taller, Somewhat Talented And Blonde.
I'm Not Telling Bitches To Lose Weight. Just Wear Better Clothing.

Anyone Else Hear Kelly Osbourne Laughing Her Face Off? Did Anyone Else See Her Chicken Cutlet Pop Out? I Give Her Credit For Not Falling Or Forgetting Her Words To Her 30 Seconds Of Singing. Better Then What She Looked AT The Michael Jackson Tribute.....

I Still Haven't Seen Tower Heist.

The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Has Olivanders Wand Making Shop In Hogsmeade. HOGSSSSSMEADE! Oh And The Wand For My Celtic Birthday Looked Like It Had Anal Warts. OH And The Whole Cast Was In Orlando While I Was There.....Missed A Weasly Sandwich. WHAT FUCK?
I'm Mean I Had A Wonderful Day. Don't Get Me Wrong But This Witch In The Gift Shop Coulda Just Let Me Be A Fool In Never Knowing The Truth. But I'm Pretty Sure Those Guys Would Think All American Girls Are Batshit Crazy If I Said A Single Phrase To Them.

Netflix Is Still To Expensive.

I'm Procrastinating Life.

White People That LOVE Thanksgiving.

I NEED SOME HELP!!!

Did YOU CUM YET? UGH Love This Jam. Makes Me Wanna Buy Expensive Pants Just To Throw Them Off!!! I Need Some SERIOUS HELP!...So Hot. Moist Even.

It Sucks To Be A Clam

"Clam Or Ham Whose Hunger?"- United States Of Tara

It's Come To My Attention That I Do NOT Want To Be A Clam When I'm Reincarnated. Those Little Fuckers Are FUCKED. They Live Their Lives Under The Soft Sand Then Assholes Or Worse SEA GULLS Dig Them Up And They Can't Do Anything About It. Then The Sea Gulls Drop Them On To The Road. Atleast The Sea Gulls I Fuck With Do. I Don't Fuck Around With Dump Divers. My Sea Gulls Eat Sea FOOD. Anyway. All I Have To Say Is Please Don't Cook Me.

Speak Before You Think

I'm Feeling This Cover Real Hard. Not Only Is Kanye's Ranting Real But I Feel It. Deep In My Soul. He's A Creative Mind And Our World Has Become This Mass Of Judgement. Let The Man Create, Make Some Dough And Fantasize About Music.

Throw Back Thrusday

I Just Wanna Fucking Live....Or Die. Which Ever Gets People Off My Back. I Get A Lot Of Good Charlotte Stuck In My Head. This Girl Danielle From My Acting Class From My Senior Year In High School Loved Me. Like Wanted Me To Sit On Her Face While I Smoked A Cigarette And Jammed About    Celebrity Bullshit. She Wanted In Like Tara Reid Wants To Get Into A Las Vegas Night Club Without Having To Carry A Dvd Box Set Of American Pie.

Anyway I Know I Make Terrible Decisions. Isn't That Good Enough That I Know Before I Do It, It's Bad? I Mean I Always Thought It Was The Thoughts That Counted. Not My Actions And Bruises.

Speaking Of Bruises....I"ve Been Bruise Free For A Week....Wait A Minute. I've Been Burn Free....Okay I Am Full Of Shit.

PS Benji Madden You Can Sooooooo Tear This Ass UP!

iLove Karl Slover

Wasn't That So Fucking Lovely? That's Karl Slover As In THE  SLOW LOVER. He's One Of The Last Living Munchkins. Which Means He's Like Finding The Only Virgin At Burning Man.

I Love Him. I Love Him Like My Cat Cookie Loves Drooling On My Face While I Sleep Every Night. He's So Sweet, Magical And Whimsical. The Moment I Saw Him In This Wizard Of Oz Special This Past Weekend I've Been Obsessed. I've Been Playing His Video Every Second I Can. Watching Him Sing And Talk About The Movie...Makes Me Squeal Like A Fat British Girl At Last Call At A Smelly Pub.

I NEED To Meet Him. This Is A Time Sensitive Mission For Me. I Wanna Be With Him All The Time. I Want To Help Play Bingo Every Tuesday, Wheel Him Around The Local King Kullen And Sing And Dance In The Frozen Department. I Want To Help Up The Stairs As He's Sleeping In My Arms Like A Little Elf. I Need To Be With Karl Slover. The Slow Lover.

Now I'm Going Back To My Titantic Soundtrack CD And Crying About My Unrequested Love....

Recap

Halloween Is Over. It's Taken Me This Long To Fully Recover From The Shit Storm I  Caused For Myself. Fall Is The Season Where I Really Shine As A Full Blown Roller Coaster Of A Mess. No Reason To Go Into Details Because I'm Already Over It. But Lemme Describe A Scenerio Of My Emotional Distress Level. It's Like Lindsay Lohan Is Totes Freaking About Jail. I MEAN WE ALL WERE LINDSAY.  She Goes Through All These Motions And She Sentenced To Jail. We All Know Deep DOwn Inside It Means Nothing. She'll Probably Be In There For A Few Hours Tops. (Overcrowding...Seriously?) She's All Tears On Court-Tv Then After A Few Days In The Clink A Few Weeks Under House Arrest She's Back On The Streets With Her Fame Whore Mother Dina Doing THe Same Shiz That Got Her In Trouble. Like Stealing A Gold Necklace Or Stealing An SUV Filled With Guys That Don't Know What's Going On Or Why Amber Isn't Picking Up Her Cell Phone.

People Keeping Saying "Make Good With A Bad Situation" Oh Because Sharing Your Bedbug Infested Blanket With The Other Homelesss Guy That Pissed Himself Would Make Yourself Feel Better. It Won't. Sure The Body Heat Would Be Nice But He Smells Like Old Piss And Purell.

I'm Thankful Halloween Is Over. Family Themed Holidays Are Underway. Just Another Reason To Hate Life. But Atleast There's Good Food Involved And Family Talks.

Here Are My Two Favorite Things From Halloween This Season.





I Need To Get Into A Fucking Dance Class Is The Moral Of This Entry. I Need To Fucking Dance To Creep Halloween Music And Not Spend Another Year In Court.

Dear Eddie Murphy Vol 1

I Grew Up Around Celebrities My Whole Life. No Big Whoop. I Sexually Harass Alec Baldwin On The Regular......He's Still In The Process Of Filing His Paperwork....NO Seriously.

Anyway Only Person I Ever Bugged Out On Was Andy Samberg When I Was 17.  But After Much Much Much Thought. I Figured Out Who'd I'd Probably Cry If I Saw In Person. CRRRRRY Like Ming Lee From Japan When She Saw Michael Jackson For The 8th Time.

I Think I'd Probably Cry If Eddie Murphy Came Into My Life. With His Beautiful Smile, His Wonderful Laugh, His Phenomenal Facial Expressions. I'm Pretty Positive When He Was On SNL Getting Shot Dressed As Buckwheat He Was Thinking "Oh Man I Can't Wait To Fuck This Baby That Hasn't Even Been Born Yet". I Know He Was. Now You Know He Was. Let's Face It, I'm Gonna Meet Him, Cry Then Try To Blow Him Under A Table In A Badly Lit Comedy Club....I Don't Think He Even Goes Into Those. But Still I Want EDDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEE MURPHY!


Dear Eddie Murphy from daddy issues on Vimeo.