AMERICA!

Hello America,

You've Been A Great Gem To Chill With, Fight With And Celebrate With But Girl You've Been Giving Out Your Pie With Breakfast And Frankly My Dear Giving Away Pie Makes You Look Cheap.

Don't Cry You Look Fat When You Cry But Seriously What's The Deal With All The Soda? I Thought We Were Going To Join A Gym?

America You're Inspiring For Freedom, Hate, Justice And Greed. You're The Worst And Best Thing To Happen Since Ancient Greece Closed The Vomitorium.

I Get It You're Always Last To The Party And Last To Leave. But I Think It's Time We Let China Look Gross And Fat Right?

Love You

  

_@DaddyIssues

Kids FASHION KORNER Vol 1

This Is Katherine Heigl's Daughter Naleigh Kelley. Naturally I Should Hate Everything This Little Button But I Can't. Sure I Hate Your Mother But Your A BUTTON!!! I'm Really Disappointed She Isn't Carrying A POCKY Lunchbox And Her Violin.

Look At This Diva..WORK It. WORK! I Want To Point Out She Isn't Wearing Uggs. Because Uggs Are For Sheep Herders. Not For A Jolie-Pitt. She Maybe An International Starlet In Training But

 Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Still Needs Her Blanket. FASHION DON'T

Loooks Like One Of The Affleck Girls Has SERIOUS DaddyISSUES!!!!! Normally This Means School Girl Uniforms But An Actual Daddy T-Shirt Is More Love And Creepster. That Was More Than I Was Ready For And I'm @DaddyIssues

Kingston Rossdale Doesn't Give A Shit. He Really Doesn't Ever Follow Any Of The Trending Duds Of Other Kiddie Stars. He's Been Toying With My Emotions Since He Was Born, I Mean Look At This Bovine Hunk. Plaid Pants Give Him 80's Punk Flare But That Tie Is Screaming So 2004 Avril, Topped With His Newsboy Cap And Cowboy Boots I'm Totes In Love. He's So Going To Grow Up Selling His Paintings And Beats To Other Famous Singer's Kids When He's The Age Of 17. I Love You.

Considering Harper Is The Young Female Heir To The Beckham Fashion Empire You'd Think She'd Care About Conflicting Outfits When Out At The Airport With Her Mother. I'm Pretty Positive She Vomited On Victoria Soon After This Shot, Not Because She Was Dizzy From All The Flashing Light Bulbs But More To Sabotage Her Mother's Plaid Top So She Wouldn't Be Committing A Fashion Faux Pas. What A Little British Bitch.

Can't Discuss Legacy Of Fashion Without The Reigning Queen Of Child Fashion Statements......Suri Cruise. Don't Get It Twisted, Suri Is Killing The Magazine Circuit Right Now, How Long Can You Go Through A Star Magazine Before You Spot Suri Doing Something So Coy And Charming Like Eating Penis Shaped Gummy Worms. This Shot Alone Stopped The Presses, Look At Those Stems...She Literally Stopped Traffic In NYC. Always Flirty But Always On The Run.....

My Childhood Dreams Are Gone

I Grew Up Doing 3 Things As A Kid. Swimming,Eating And Watching Tv. Nickeloden Was A Huge Staple In My Life. This Past Halloween I Was Going To Dress As Heffer From Rocko's Modern Life. I Had All The Things I Needed To Do It. But I Was Working Nonstop With Halloween Items That I Dispised Halloween. ME! Hating Halloween? LE MIZ. So I Skipped Out On Everything. But I Had Stocked Up On Some Many Costumes My Personal Closet Is Looking More Like The Costume Department At Wicked.

So I Was Thinking While Sneaking A Smoke Near My Garage...I Thought How I Should Be A Rugrat. Algelcia And Chucky Were My Top Choices Obvi. I Love Redheads So I Figured I'd Do A Chuckie. Not Sleep With One But Dress As One.

Until I SAW THIS From The Creepsters At Funny or Die.....

Justin Bieber Is A Biter

I Consider My Fashion Choices To Be As Important As Politic Decisions In Congress. Now It's Come To My Attention America....That Canadian Native Justin I'm Not The Daddy Bieber Is Biting On My Current Fashion Trend. Now How Do I Know This? Because This Trend Is Pretty Hard To Miss If You See Me. It's DECORATIVE SOCKSSSSSSSS. 
How's My Oprah Impression? A Little To Iron Chef Secret Ingredient? Yeah I Was Afraid Of That. I'm A Big Shopper At The Legendary Sockman In The East Village. I Used To Live Down The Block From It. When I Wasn't Spending My Spare Change On A Falefal From Mamouns I'd Buy A Pair Od Crazy Tights From The Sockman. But It's Hard To Deny How Fucking Cold It Is....I've Recently Decided To Not Die.....So Instead Of Nothing But Tights And Stocking I've Boosted My Sock Draw With Socks Instead Of NYC Condoms And Random Toys. (Real Toys Not Sex Toys)

Justin That Cutie With The Awkward Jesus Tattoo On His Calf...(Jesus Is Staring At Justin's Ass) Has Been Covering Up Those Toned Puppies With........YOU GUESSED IT DECORATIVE SOCKSSSS.

OMG SHOES!!!!

This IS So EPIC! I Nearly Pissed Myself

Self Absorbed

"If You Don't Love Yourself, How In The Hell You Gonna Love Somebody Else?" -Rupaul

Oscar Party!!!!!

Was The Oscars Bad For You Too? Like Too Much Coke....Soft Dick Bad? Apparently They Were So Painfully Boring James Franco Was Tweeting The Whole Time And The Funniest Person There Was A Recovering Stroke Victim.

So The Best Way To Kick Off A Bad Oscar Experience Is To Throw The Perf Party To Avoid The Real Snore-Feast That Was Anne Hathaway's Costume Changes.

Fat Jew Made This How To Throw An Oscar Party Video For E! A Minute Back. His Gift Bags Were So Much Sweatier This Year.

The Fat Jew's Oscar party on E! Daily 10 from The Fat Jew on Vimeo.

Natalie Portman Is Totes Preggo. She Looked Gorg In Plum. Luckily I Stopped Myself From Vomiting With The Thought Of Her Being With Child. Congrats On The Award Not The Baby......

Another Plum Number Was Done By ScarJo. She's Single Now And I Expected Some Crazy Xtina Slut Show. But She Fell Short Of Being Anywhere Of Being Sexy. She Looked Frumpy, Her Underwear Was Beyond Visible, And Her New Post Break Up Hair Cut Is Appalling.

Mila Looked Fab In This Romantic Number Last Night. Showing Off Her Post Ballerina Bod.

Amy Adams Looked Like A Chinese Empresses From The 1920's That's Passed Out In An Opium Den Jade Included.

Jenny From Dawson's Creek Looked Like Mia Farrow Pre Adopting A Million Babies For A Mini Soccer Team.

Apparently Anyone Can Be A Country Singer These Days Because If Gwyneth Can Make It Look Easy Then It's Definitely Easy. She's The Same Broad That Teachs People How To Cook On Her Site GOOP And You Know That Girl Never Really Cooks For Herself.

Celine Dion Is Crazy. Like Batshit Crazy. She Was Seen Barking On Oprah Like A Week Ago. We All Know It Wasn't Due To Birthing Twinsie....Ewah. But She Looked Gorg In My Thai Mother's Wedding Dress From 1976. Her Singing Killed Lena Horne Twice.

Ok We Get It Your Australian!

So Mandy Moore Sucked During Her Song. I Really Wanted Her To Bust Out With Her Hit "Candy" But Instead Chuck Killed It And She Looked Like She Was Forcing Her Look.

Hailee Steinfeld Didn't Win But She Had Stolen My Heart With This Dress. Plus She Solidified My Hatred Towards Lea Michelle.

Halle Berry I Get It Your Black And Have An Oscar.

Hilary Swank I Get It You Have A Penis And Have An Oscar.

Heidi Klum And Eric Robert's Daughter Look Amazing At Elton John's Party. By Amazing I Mean Like They Were Dressed By The Gay Mafia To Look Like Disco Balls.

Dear Melissa Leo, Thanks For Dropping An F Bomb Last Night...But Could You Return My Kitchen Floor. It's Looking Bare Without The Ceramic Tiles.

Charlize Theron Needs To Stop Killin Lionfish To Make Her Oscar Party Dresses.

Cate Blanchett Was One Of My Favies Presenters. Her Dress Looks A Little Matronly/ Lady Gaga Pearl Outfit With Pee....Meaning I Loved It.

Jennifer Lawerence Really Nailed It On The Head With This Calvin Klein Collection Dress. And By "It" I Mean All The Hearts Of Gays Everywhere.

Ok JHud. The First Movie You Were In You Gained 50lbs And Got An Oscar. Now That Your Skinny Does That Mean I Can Take It Back?

Your A Single Mother Banging Ryan Reyolds. You Go Sandra Bullock You Go! No Seriously Get The Fuck Out Of My Face.

Penelope Just Got Married And Had A Baby. Just Like Her Ex She's Hiding Her Baby's Identity For A Record Breaking 184 Days Until Those Scientist Can Manufacture An Alien Baby. So After A Few Years Of Being A Beard To A Closeted Gay Man You'd Think She'd Gain Some Fashion Sense Right? Instead She Looks Like A Show Girl From 1960. I Heard This Frock Was Vintage As In The Hooker That Frank Sinatra Shot Was Buried In This And Someone Dug It Up In Time For The Awards.

Selieber Were Caught Smooching. Somewhere In Middle America An 11 Year Old Girl Is Cutting Herself In Her Basement Or That 3 Year Old Girl Finally Died From Beiber Fever.

Reese Witherspoon Looked "Elegant" And When I Say That...I Mean You Look Like A Prom Queen Reject From 2004. Plus You Looked A Lot Like This Bitch....