I Have Offered Sexual Favors To Whom Ever Brought Me To See Toy Story & Toy Story 2 in 3D This Past Winter. Let's Just Say That Didn't Sit Too Well With Big Poppa. But I'm Still Super Pumped About Toy Story 3 And Thankfully Majority Of The Original Cast Members Haven't Died. (Minus Jim Varney)
So In The First Movie We're Introduced To The Beloved Patriarch Of The Toy Box Woody. He's a Lovable Cotton & Plastic Hero With a Heart of Gold Threads, Right? Not Exactly. When The New Hard Shinny Plastic That Was Buzz Lightyear Broke Into The Scene After a Birthday Party Things Go Down Hill For Our Beloved Cowboy. Things Like Jealousy and Hatred Creep Into His Soul Then Corrupts His Kingdom. Much Like The 60's When Cowboys Were Out And Spacemen Were In. Woody Struggles To Keep The Love Of His Owner Andy. Andy Showers Buzz With Love That Used To Belong To Woody. Even Writes His Name On Buzz's Shoe In a Smelly Black Marker To Show To The World And The Toy Chest He Was The New Supreme Toy.
Buzz Believing To Be a Real Space Ranger And Not A Toy Sees Woody As Only a Threat To His Mission To Return To Headquarters And Defeat The Evil Emperor Zurg.
So When Woody Tries To Trap Buzz In-between The Gap Of Andy's Desk; He Totally Over Shoots And Swings Buzz Out The Window. Leaving The Other Toys Horrified And Pissed That Woody Had Murder Buzz. But Before The Toys Could React Andy Waltzes Through Searching For Buzz. In a Rush He Grabs Woody And Heads To a Space Theme Pizza Joint Called Pizza Planet. After A Mishap At The Gas Station Where Andy's Mom Refuels,Woody Gets Tackled By a Stole Away Buzz.
So Yadda Yadda Yadda They Get To The Pizza Place Where Buzz Bum Rushes A Spaceship Shaped Toy Crane Machine. (The Cohabitants (3 Eye Aliens) Think The Crane Is God. ) The Evil Psychopathic Neighbor Sid Retrieves Our Fallen Heroes.
Sid Brings Them Home To His Toy Grave Yard Where Buzz Has The Epiphany That He Is In Fact a TOOOOOOYYYY, Buzz Being Emotionally Crushed Admits Defeat And Ready For Death....(A Little Emo For Kids Right?) Woody Saves Buzz From a Rocket Of Death And Uses It To Catch Up With The Moving Vans.....Perfect Master Piece.
In Toy Story 2 Things Have Changed A Lot. Andy Was Away At Summer Camp While His Mom Had a Yard Sale. There Woody Was Accidentally Placed Into a Box Where Toy Enthusiast Al Tries To Buy Him Along With Other Junk For Only 10 Bucks. Luckily Andy's Mom Catches Woody In Time And Stores Woody In Her Cash Box. Unfortunately Al's Fatty Hairy Hands Cracks The Box And Steals Our Cowboy. We Later Find Out That Al Is The Same Al That Pounces Around In a Chicken Suit To Convince Children To His Barn Filled With Toys. (Attention SVU) There Woody Meets Jesse The Rowdy Cowgirl, Stinky Pete The Prospector and Bulleyes The Beloved Horse. Woody Also Learns He's Based Off a Famous Show and Is Worth A Lot Of Clams.
After Getting Repaired, (His Arm Fell Off) Him and The Rest Of His New Crew Were Japan Bound To Spend Eternity In a Glass Case For Bowled Cut Japanese Children. Pototoe Head, Hamm, Rex, Slinky And Of Course Buzz Come To Rescue For Woody. In The Process We Find Out Stinky Pete Really Wants To Go To Japan And Become Eye Candy Forever. Jesse Our Fireclothed Little Bandit (See What I Did There?) Was Once Owned But Is Now Emotionally Damaged Goods. After Defeating Stinky Pete Everyone Goes Back To Andy's Live Their Days Happily Forever After......Until Andy Goes To College. This Is Where Toy Story 3 The Movie I've Waited a 11 years For Comes In.
Apparently Pixar Had a Whole Other Movie In Mind That Didn't Pan Out. But They Won't Tell Us What It Was Because It'll Probably Become Another Plot Line In a Different Movie.
So Andy's Mom Accidentally Donates Andy's Toys. Which Is Fucking Ridiculous. I Still Have All My Beanie Babies, All My Spice Girls Stuff And Even From Pocahontas Shit Too. Maybe It's The Fact My Mother Is a Hoarder And Normally Finds Me Stuff In The Trash and Tells Me It's Still Good.( Thankfully She Saved All Her Tacky Sequined Dresses From The 80's!)
So Our Toys Are At This Day Care, Everything Seems Amazing. They'll Always Be Played With And Will Always Be Loved. But The Other Toys There Seem To Have a Mafia Going On Where They Whack Off The New Toys It Seems. (Side Note: I Knew This Kid In College Obsessed With Disney Stuff. He Had Sheets,Posters and Even a Fully Snow Globe Collection. When I Heard He Got a Job At Disney World I Wasn't Shocked.) So Buzz Gets Rebooted Into a Spanish Space Cadet. Leaving The Other Toys To Fend For Themselves.
Also Slinky Who Was Voiced By Jim Varney You Know Ernest? But Sadly He Passed Away. But Replacing Him Is None Other Than Blake Clark...FUCKING SHAWN HUNTER'S DADDY! Perfect Match. I Had Thought About It The Other Day That It Must Have Been Him And I Was Right.
Ok I'm Done. I Totally Nerded Out Disney Style On You.
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