I NEED SOME HELP!!!

Did YOU CUM YET? UGH Love This Jam. Makes Me Wanna Buy Expensive Pants Just To Throw Them Off!!! I Need Some SERIOUS HELP!...So Hot. Moist Even.

It Sucks To Be A Clam

"Clam Or Ham Whose Hunger?"- United States Of Tara

It's Come To My Attention That I Do NOT Want To Be A Clam When I'm Reincarnated. Those Little Fuckers Are FUCKED. They Live Their Lives Under The Soft Sand Then Assholes Or Worse SEA GULLS Dig Them Up And They Can't Do Anything About It. Then The Sea Gulls Drop Them On To The Road. Atleast The Sea Gulls I Fuck With Do. I Don't Fuck Around With Dump Divers. My Sea Gulls Eat Sea FOOD. Anyway. All I Have To Say Is Please Don't Cook Me.

Speak Before You Think

I'm Feeling This Cover Real Hard. Not Only Is Kanye's Ranting Real But I Feel It. Deep In My Soul. He's A Creative Mind And Our World Has Become This Mass Of Judgement. Let The Man Create, Make Some Dough And Fantasize About Music.

Throw Back Thrusday

I Just Wanna Fucking Live....Or Die. Which Ever Gets People Off My Back. I Get A Lot Of Good Charlotte Stuck In My Head. This Girl Danielle From My Acting Class From My Senior Year In High School Loved Me. Like Wanted Me To Sit On Her Face While I Smoked A Cigarette And Jammed About    Celebrity Bullshit. She Wanted In Like Tara Reid Wants To Get Into A Las Vegas Night Club Without Having To Carry A Dvd Box Set Of American Pie.

Anyway I Know I Make Terrible Decisions. Isn't That Good Enough That I Know Before I Do It, It's Bad? I Mean I Always Thought It Was The Thoughts That Counted. Not My Actions And Bruises.

Speaking Of Bruises....I"ve Been Bruise Free For A Week....Wait A Minute. I've Been Burn Free....Okay I Am Full Of Shit.

PS Benji Madden You Can Sooooooo Tear This Ass UP!

iLove Karl Slover

Wasn't That So Fucking Lovely? That's Karl Slover As In THE  SLOW LOVER. He's One Of The Last Living Munchkins. Which Means He's Like Finding The Only Virgin At Burning Man.

I Love Him. I Love Him Like My Cat Cookie Loves Drooling On My Face While I Sleep Every Night. He's So Sweet, Magical And Whimsical. The Moment I Saw Him In This Wizard Of Oz Special This Past Weekend I've Been Obsessed. I've Been Playing His Video Every Second I Can. Watching Him Sing And Talk About The Movie...Makes Me Squeal Like A Fat British Girl At Last Call At A Smelly Pub.

I NEED To Meet Him. This Is A Time Sensitive Mission For Me. I Wanna Be With Him All The Time. I Want To Help Play Bingo Every Tuesday, Wheel Him Around The Local King Kullen And Sing And Dance In The Frozen Department. I Want To Help Up The Stairs As He's Sleeping In My Arms Like A Little Elf. I Need To Be With Karl Slover. The Slow Lover.

Now I'm Going Back To My Titantic Soundtrack CD And Crying About My Unrequested Love....

Recap

Halloween Is Over. It's Taken Me This Long To Fully Recover From The Shit Storm I  Caused For Myself. Fall Is The Season Where I Really Shine As A Full Blown Roller Coaster Of A Mess. No Reason To Go Into Details Because I'm Already Over It. But Lemme Describe A Scenerio Of My Emotional Distress Level. It's Like Lindsay Lohan Is Totes Freaking About Jail. I MEAN WE ALL WERE LINDSAY.  She Goes Through All These Motions And She Sentenced To Jail. We All Know Deep DOwn Inside It Means Nothing. She'll Probably Be In There For A Few Hours Tops. (Overcrowding...Seriously?) She's All Tears On Court-Tv Then After A Few Days In The Clink A Few Weeks Under House Arrest She's Back On The Streets With Her Fame Whore Mother Dina Doing THe Same Shiz That Got Her In Trouble. Like Stealing A Gold Necklace Or Stealing An SUV Filled With Guys That Don't Know What's Going On Or Why Amber Isn't Picking Up Her Cell Phone.

People Keeping Saying "Make Good With A Bad Situation" Oh Because Sharing Your Bedbug Infested Blanket With The Other Homelesss Guy That Pissed Himself Would Make Yourself Feel Better. It Won't. Sure The Body Heat Would Be Nice But He Smells Like Old Piss And Purell.

I'm Thankful Halloween Is Over. Family Themed Holidays Are Underway. Just Another Reason To Hate Life. But Atleast There's Good Food Involved And Family Talks.

Here Are My Two Favorite Things From Halloween This Season.





I Need To Get Into A Fucking Dance Class Is The Moral Of This Entry. I Need To Fucking Dance To Creep Halloween Music And Not Spend Another Year In Court.

Dear Eddie Murphy Vol 1

I Grew Up Around Celebrities My Whole Life. No Big Whoop. I Sexually Harass Alec Baldwin On The Regular......He's Still In The Process Of Filing His Paperwork....NO Seriously.

Anyway Only Person I Ever Bugged Out On Was Andy Samberg When I Was 17.  But After Much Much Much Thought. I Figured Out Who'd I'd Probably Cry If I Saw In Person. CRRRRRY Like Ming Lee From Japan When She Saw Michael Jackson For The 8th Time.

I Think I'd Probably Cry If Eddie Murphy Came Into My Life. With His Beautiful Smile, His Wonderful Laugh, His Phenomenal Facial Expressions. I'm Pretty Positive When He Was On SNL Getting Shot Dressed As Buckwheat He Was Thinking "Oh Man I Can't Wait To Fuck This Baby That Hasn't Even Been Born Yet". I Know He Was. Now You Know He Was. Let's Face It, I'm Gonna Meet Him, Cry Then Try To Blow Him Under A Table In A Badly Lit Comedy Club....I Don't Think He Even Goes Into Those. But Still I Want EDDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEE MURPHY!


Dear Eddie Murphy from daddy issues on Vimeo.