HAPPY NYE!

DUH DUH DUCK SAUCEE

OBSESSED! I'm Obsessed! After Seeing The Fat Jew's Latest Youtube Sensation I've Been Finding Myself Finger Blasting The Vageen To The Beat Of The Song Playing In The Background. Sure I've Had Boyfriends Flat OUT Dump Because Of My Deep Seated Love For The King Of Brunch But Just Like Miley....I Can't Be Tamed.

Luckily I Found The Video On Youtube This Week To Accompany My Late Night Soaks In The Tub. The Song: Barbara Streisand.....The Group: Duck Sauce. This Djing Duo Release This Instant Baby Making Hit This September. The Video Has Features Cameos From Such Favorite Like, Kanye West, Pharell Williams, Ryan Leslie, Buckshot, Smif-n-Wessun, DJ Premier, Chromeo, DJ Mehdi, So Me, Diplo, ?uestlove, Ezra Koenig, Santigold, Yelawolf, Fafi and the Fat Jew of Team Facelift.

Friendly Reminder To Stay Healthy

It's That Time Of Year Again

When I'd Like To Remember Ms. Murphy

I'm Still Really Upset Tara Reid Out Lived You B. Your Were Really Sweet, A Little Nutty And So Clueless.

I Miss Your Laugh The Most......Click This

A Great American

Don't Be Afraid To Touch Yourself. He Encourages It.

We're The Kids In America

Thank You For Being A Friend

Take A Bow

I Got My Tranny On And Listened To Some Old Madonna Jams. You Know Back When I Was Still A Virgin. I Love Madonna. But Her Slow Jams Is Where The Soft Part Of My Head Gets A Little Softer. I Love Her Slow Jams From The 90's. Her Dance Songs Can Make Me Seizure Like A Drag Queen While On E On Valentines Day. But Her This Song Really Takes Me Back To A Simpler Time. You Know When Madonna Had That Ranger For Latino And Posing Nude In Public. Yeah Those Were The Days...

YAY Stefon!

SNL's Weekend Update Has Been An Avenue For Many Break Out Characters. My Favorites From The Past Have Been Drunk Girl, Opera Man, David Patterson And The Gay Couple From New Jersey. But By Far My Favorite Has Been Resident New York City Guide Stefon! He's Like That Club Promoter That Sends You Mass Texts For Those Art Parties At A Loft In Brooklyn That Doesn't Seem To Ever End. Some Jewish Girl From Long Island Is Talking About Her Stepdad's House In Boca. While A Guy Dressed As A Human Carpet Let's Overweight Cokeheads Stomp All Over Him. That's Totes Stefon.

Stefon Is One Of Those Guys That's Always Ready To Party When Your Cat Dies. He'll Bring The Drugs, Finds The Glow Sticks And Endless Supply Of Anal Beads. I Love Stefon. I LOVE HIM! Bill Hader Portrays Him Exquisitely. But I've Met Bill On More Than One Occasion And He Just Looks Like The Grumpiest Man Ever. But I Love Him Regardless. He's A Great Impressionist And Stefon Brings That Old School Charm ,Where Laughing In A Scene Reminds You The Show IS LIVE.

Tis The Season?

I Spotted T.C Carson In This TJ Maxx & Marshalls Holiday Ad On Tv. But Apparently He Was In One Last Year.

I Spotted Him Singing With A Much Of White People Wearing Sexy Maroon Pants And A White Sweater.....Kyle Baker Sing Me Til The Christmas Bells Ring! UGH LOVE YOU

That Fresh Pine Scent

I woke up to the fresh pine scent that still lingered inside my house.

The evergreen Christmas tree was always my favorite thing about the holidays. The Old Windmill was the only place in Sag Harbor that could house so many trees in such small venue. As we'd drive there, you could see the Windmill covered in festive lights as we drove over the bridge.The bridge crossing over into Sag Harbor only made the excitement in my belly grow. The whole ritual of going there and picking out the most spectacular tree that we could find, was always a investigation of sorts. Doing my detective work on each tree, I would interrogate them all with my eyes. Eyeing for flawls and broken branches, the dead limbs remained

motionless as I continued with my search. Until I'd finally recovered a spruce that was epically huge. It was full with wiry branches and smelled just like Christmas. This was the perfect Christmas tree. The ritual
continues as we tie it to our car for the short journey home. There we decorate it
for our 1993 Christmas extravaganza. First I watered my tree so it
wouldn't get thirsty. As I'm watering it with my favorite tea pot my
mother came out of the basement with old shopping bags filled with
decorations and lights. We already spent the entire afternoon decorating the front lawn in lights around the trees. Every year it gets harder and harder to still come up with the energy to glamorize our house. But we do it to make the rest of our neighbor envious of our holiday spirit. First we wrapped the untangled multicolored Christmas lights around the top of our tree. These were my most favorite lights ever. Not only did they blinked on and off, they blinked to the rhythms and beats of Christmas music that it played. Then came the rest of our ornament's. Some that we've made over the years, others from stores we've purchased years ago.
The party itself was a gathering of family,friends and employees of my mother. The night is filled with intoxicating moments from poker at the adults table, Heineken kisses and several Thai curses. We open our presents while my mother video tapes every one's reactions to their blocks of coal and silver bells. The floor, which is covered in a blanket of multicolored scraps of wrapping paper and boxes is busy with feet tapping. The party goers are finally exiting our house. I go to sleep happy with my new Polly Pocket and my
growing tea set collection in hand. My sister and I, slept in old gym
shirts that belong to our father. The gown like size shirts were always the sleep apparel of choice. As we paraded around our room our mother asks us to go to sleep. She assures us if we didn't go back to bed, that Santa would be angry. Already holding on to our new gifts like trophies, we laughed in her face. I woke up to the fresh pine scent that still lingered inside my house.My sister and I make our way to the door of our room.

Still groggy from awaking from my deep slumber a light flashes in my eyes. I am stunned. I reopen my eyes to see the most horrific thing a child will ever witness post morning Christmas. My beautiful tree, which stood in the middle of
our living room, was bare. All the lights, the hand made macaroni
ornaments, the fake snow, the star, and the boxes of gifts were all gone.
All that was left, was a skinny trunk with a few surviving branches still
clinging onto it.

Another light flashes. My mother took another Polaroid
picture of my reaction to the devastation that was before my face. She
said " See what happens when you make Santa angry? He came back for the
Tree." Laughing hysterically at her new photos my mother exists the
living room. My days of enjoying the tree were officially ruined. To this
day my mother enjoys those photographs the most. She still laughs the
hardest when she looks at them daily.

They Said We Got No Class....

Check Out This Jam From The "Stuck To The Sidewalk" Mixtape By Zak! Featuring The Hunks From Team Facelift....Reason Clothing Presents WE GREW HERE

Download The Mixtape @ ZAK!ZAK!ZAK!

Punk Nose Brats

Today I Had To Spend My Friday Afternoon Supervising A Read-a-Thon At The Library I Do Community Service At. Let's Just Say Too Many Of Them Reminded Me Of Bebe's Kids And A Comforting Fact Washed Over...... That I'm Infertile....... Reminded Me How Lucky I Am And The General Public Because My Kids Would Be The Future Felons Of The Hamptons TOO!

Happy Birthday Britney!

As You Should All Know It's My Baby B's Birthday......I Love Britney As Much As The Next Gay Man Does. She's Been A Huge Part Of My Life And The Lives Of All My Friends. It Was Only A Few Years Ago That The Gang And I Celebrated With Her At Good Morning America. Not Only Did We By Pass Secrutiy, Lines And Showed Up An Hour Late But Was Personally Walked In By Larry Rudolph Himself. (Her Manager) It Was A Sweet Day. As The Rest Of The Gang Went Out All Night Dec 1st I Stayed Home And Slept....I Still Can't Believe I Did That.

Girlfriends Had Some Bad Fashion Moments,Bad Marriages, Bad Vageene Shots Including C-Section Scar And Let's Not Forget Cheating On Justin Timberlake, Shaving Her Head, Locking Herself In The Bathroom With Her Son,Dating That Creepy Middle Eastern Guy, And That Other Creepy Guy And That Loser "Cousin" Alley Sims....Yeah Alley I Remembered You. OMG And Her Little Sister Dropping The Ball By Being Pregnant.

Britney Still Kills It. She's Like The Female Michael Jackson In The Tabloid Sense Of Things And I Still Respect Her For Being A Honking Tonk Singer With Two Failed Restaurants. I Love All The To Her. The Good, The Bad And The Bat Shit Overweight Cowboy Boot Wearing Weave Monster.





To The Memories! To The Future! To Britney Spears The Greatest

The Old People Smell Without The Old People

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.


Ever Want To Own A Mini Old Person? Someone That's So Fragile And Dependent On You For Everything? These Little Sloth Buddies Are Soooo On My Celebrity Christmas List. Two Toed Sloths Are The New African Baby.

Grown Ass Man Shit

Smokers Voice?
Check
Loose Tank Tops?
Check
Team Facelift In The Building?
Check

It's Hard For Me Not To Get Moist.

Thanks For Giving

I'm Going To Be Writing Blogs About Giving. Especially Entertaining Stories About Oral Sex. If You Have Stories,Techniques, First Time Horror Tales And More To Share I'd Like To Hear Them. Shoot Me An Tweet @DaddyIssues Your Emails & Story. Your Entry Will Be Anonymous And In A Few Months We'll Vote On The Best Story We Received. Get It?

Snow White Blows

When You Think Of Snow White She's Beautiful And Sweet. But Any Bitch That Can Wonder The Forest And Just Move Into The First Dodgey Cabin She Finds Is Kinda Skanky Yet Resourceful.She'll Clean Your House To Avoid Detection From Her Old Step Mother.....And The One Time She Accepts A Gift From A Stranger It Kills Her? Whack. You Should Always Trust Strangers With Treats.

American Harry Potter

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Man Of My Dreams

Gomez Addams Is My Perfect Dream Man. He's Really Involved With His Family, He Has His Own Graveyard, Simple French Phrases Makes Him Harder Then The SATS And He's Always Dressed Like A True Hunk. Gomez Knows How To Dance,Fight And I'm Almost Positive He Could Win A Dance Off Against JT.

Not Only Is Gomez Loaded, His House Is My Wet Dream Of Secret Passages And Water Slides. Luckily For Him I'm Into Bondage And He Can Tease Me As Much As He Wants. Like Most Of My Exs He Seems Like He Hasn't Slept In Decades And Smokes A Lot. I Just Have To Learn The Tango And Kill A Lot Of Roses To Gain His Affections.

Tribute To The Slam Pigs

I Dedicate This To The Faggalas.....Enjoy My Tribute To My Slampigs......

Oh And If You Love This Song You Should Download 6 Grams By Team Facelift....If You Read My Blogs You Should Have Downloaded It Weeks AGO!

You Had Me At Suck My Cock

This Romantic Comedy Looks Terrible & Predictable Based Off It's Previous Trailers. Anne Hathaway Obvious Has Cancer And Jake's Penis Cures It. I Mean He Did Fix Reese Witherspoon And Ruined Kristin Dunst With That Dong So I'm Going To Assume It's Magical. The Fact My Mother Hates His Guts Means I Have To Dye My Hair Blonde Move To LA. Get A Jogging Habbit With My Dog In That Canyon Everyone Goes To, So We Can Bang And He Can Make My Troubles Go Away. Or I'll Become The Next Britney Spears Circa 2007...Again.


But With All This Penis Talk In This Trailer.....I'm In There Like Swimwear.

Even When He's Sneaking Out He's Smiling

Don't Be Afraid To Do This To My Face

Love and Other Drugs - Exclusive Red Band Trailer - Watch more Movie Trailers

I'm Just A Fucked-Up Girl

I Am The Charlie Sheen Of Bridgehampton

Just When You Think Charlie Sheen Has Cleaned Up His Act Something Goes Wrong. Like His Mercedes Is Found At The Bottom Of A Cliff, Or The Day He Launches His Children's Clothing Line His Soon To Be Ex Wife Leaks His Sexual Habits To TMZ Or His Other Mercedes Gets Stolen And Found At The Bottom Of Another Cliff, Or His Terrible Show Got Picked Up For Another 5 Seasons Or Heidi Fleiss Named 14 Of  Her 78 Crazy Parrots Charlie.

YET Even With ALLLLLL Of That. He's Still Making Bank. Like Serious Bank. Not Even The Whole Cast Of Like All The CSI Shows Make As Much Money As You DO Charlie. I Heard His Show's Ratings Doubled After This Latest Porn Star Locked In A Closet Thing. Very R. Kelly Of You By The Way Charlie. Regurdless.

I Don't Hold This Againist Him. I'm Pretty Sure Him And I Could Be Really Good Friends Some Day. But I Doubt Either Of Us Will Be Living For That Much Longer. But People Like Us Are Kinda Like Cockroaches Or Nikki Sixx. We Live Forever Except For The Exception For Corey Haim That Was A Low Blow For The Monster Living Under A Bridge Theory.

In Conclusion

As Much As I Want To Change And Make The Progress To Change Something Out Of My Control Will Happen.

I Just Hope Someone Will Stop Stealing My Mercedes And Driving Them Off Cliffs.

Fresh Sliced Deli Meats

The Midget & The Mogul

Thank Chelsea Handler For This Little Duet

Pussy Willow

I'm With CoCo Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Cocaine?