bug bites.....serious serious bugs bites.....my sweet and tangy asian skin is a target for
hungry bugs
Sun Burns many many many summers ago I was able to suntan when my family owned a little burger shake at Long Beach in Noyac in the early 90's but soon after the summer I shaved my head I became fully Irish or something because I tots would burn like crazy. Cooked Lobsters would be tots jealous of my crimson red flesh....best part is touching it and watching your hot sticky skin turn from white to red...or watching the ice cubes melt from the top of your chest down to your belly button....
Creeps there's an unlimited supply of them this season....
From the Wanna Be Bankers that have a Share In Some Smelly dirty Manison....luckily they're only out every four weekend or so.. Then there's the Mooch or Bum.....he has nowhere to stay, no car to get around, and yet he's sooo twisted and still manages to persuades a chick to bang in a bathroom before the nights over....(way to go)but you're still a major creep
Then there's the Struggling 30 something guy all his buddies have their shit together and have some what successful careers. He's still kinda teaching yoga but is also kinda a dog walker that also house sits on his free time. He tends to lie about his age to drunk teens to bring them back to the pool house he rents from his friend's parents. The Starving Artist he's either a photographer that once has an editorial in Vanity Fair or Hamptons Magazine. Or he's a really bad screenplay writters that drinks coffee and smokes boogies a pack at a time. He chats about how awesome music in the 70's is but then looses the purpose of the conversation half way through. The creepy 17 year old he roams the streets because he's cursed with a baby face and is constantly denied at the door of most bars and clubs....he's never alone, he carries a crew that's willing to whistle at you until your heels are finally outta sight. He calls you Ma' or Shorty.....this doesn't go well for me considering I'm nearly 6 feet tall....heels I'ma Beast so that's a punch in the face waiting to happen. The Candyman he's that 40 something year old guy surrounded by a gaggle of 20 something hot chicks.....spoon feeding them drugs and alcohal....spending all of his retirement money of hot pieces of ass.....we're probably he's date majority of the summer...ha
Camping trips this can make or break your summer....Check for rocks before setting the tent umm idk if you've gotten rocks up your ass in the middle of sex but it's pretty rough. Collect dry fire wood plus a fake log. Wrap your food up good unless you love being waking up by animals eating your food...raccoons have thumbs i've seen it! Paper towels,Paper towels,Paper towels. Extra batteries for cameras,music players and vibrators....
Town Cops I offically know it's Summer When I'm blowing 3 cops just to get out of a parking ticket.....East Hampton cops have these plate zappers that scan your shit....if you're not suppose to be on the road because you got a DUI right after your cousin's wedding....best not be on the road. State Troopers like making appearences too...they just love causing district troubles in Mouthampton.
Finding a tennis court let's face it after we sold our house in Mouthampton a few years ago with the clay court our game hasn't been the same....we know of private courts throughtout the heavy wooded residents but don't be afraid to run from the cops or angry fat neighbors when they come snooping around.
Hook up stealers your boy from the city is crashing and fucks two of your best girls....your stuck in the middle.....who stole him from who? Um who cares you've been fucking him since 10th grade.......
Heavily Guarded Celebs are whack. If you think your in danger in the Tramptons you deserved to be spit on by the drunken slags waiting on line for the bathroom that you cut....sowwee
New Money they just have no class.They Tramp up the Tramptons and think that White House is FRICKIN' AWESOME!!! You can spot their fake blue contacts and orange tans and fake tits. They're just doing what they heard was cool according to Vh1's Fabulous Life......I think Florida misses you......
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