It was my companies Christmas Party. It was hosted by Heartland Brewery in The Empire State Building....Like usual I was broke. I had stopped by the Burger Gyro joint right by my apt on ave B, I was super short on cash the manager said i could pay him back tomorrow and asked why I was paying for my food with coins....yeah i was the deep. I had told him i didn't get paid until midnight that night, which was true and that I needed to save my cash for taxi fare home which was also true. He gave me 10 bucks and said " You know as an employer it's really important to me that my employees to show up to a Christmas party. It's just apart of the game." I smiled so big my eyes went chinky (insert Asian joke here). I told him I owed him....but whenever I went back he was never there so I wasn't in debt to anyone anymore Ha. Now I was packing all my shit up to move back to the Tramptons because my sister really hated how much of a jerk I have become and she was really fed up with my late night or early morning shenanigans. Honestly if i wasn't me, I'd hate me. I'm really obnoxious when it comes down to it. Anyway Emily is sitting on a sliver of couch that isn't covered in boxes and cat hair as I rush to make myself look GORG. My hair was flat ironed, my make up was red and black and well frankly my red dress just topped off how flipping Asian I could look.
Emily and I were really broke. We wanted to party hard but had no dough. Luckily my company party was tots booze city. We get there and the first person we see is my super gay Human Resources director. With his thinning greased up hair and tight clothing he was a spitting image or Elton John in the early 80's. Minus the glasses but tots rocking the gaped tooth smile. He hugs me and I introduce him to Emily. I then tell him the check in girl said I didn't have a plus one but that I had paid the 30 dollars like I was suppose to weeks ago, a huge lie. He looks at the chick and tells her to let us in. Success! We drink Trump Vodka all night long. We look at the finger food wishing we didn't have eating disorders and laugh at all the narsty slores that worked for my company. From the ripped personal trainers that were formerly ex cons to the super gay yoga instructors the laughs we're all there. All my old coworkers from my old department were there. Some guys I haven't seen in 6 months were all so happy to see me and looking as freakin fine as I did. I got mad numbers a lot of "lost". But the best part has to be when I saw my favorite person from my old company. He was a personal trainer covered from head to toe in tattoos. He's 33 years young and has a baby boy and a gorg wife. Before I could even finish saying his name he's tots making out with me, in front of our co-workers,in front our bosses and managers, and worst of all his younger brother. I was speechless literally. I blushed so badly that Emily had to whisk me away.
After several more drinks and waiting for the carriage to turn into a pumpkin. We exit as slickly as possible, but my training buddy just happen to see me. He grabs me and kisses me real hard I open my eyes to see his wife standing behind him on a few steps down. I'm mortified and tell him "I love you but your wife is tots eating my soul with her eyes so I gotta go. Merry Christmas." As we're walking to the closest subway station Frank pops outta nowhere. He's a sweet older black gent that worked in maintaince. He tends to joke about crazy bitches,drugs,the 70's and how crazy white people are. We're buddies. He walks us to the station singing and dancing in the middle of the street. I see my bank my heart pulsed so fast, i had check my watch it was 12:15 am I had money! I got 40 bucks and tears roll down my face. Emily has Tony Badones and speed dial. No Answer.
We headed to Hiro to see Team Facelift. Did I mention I was Cellphoneless? No wait that was the following week at Snitchmas another amazing drunken night. Um no so I had my phone I guess. Regardless. The little gay man at the front of the line at Hiro whom our friend Jason has tots bedded, gives me some hardcore sass. I go tell him "Look my boys are performing...blah blah blah" Lies upon lies come out of my candy pink lips. He lets us in. So far Emily and I hadn't spent a dime...perf. We get in see many familiar faces and friends and most importantly a beautifully tanned boy with a baby blue navy hat and matching boybeater. He was wearing fishnet gloves and was saying "fierce" every other word. He was our newest best friend. Trannies,hoeboes and a few gangsters polluted the audience. Em and I were getting antsy, some how we make our way downstairs into a green room covered in green leaves and empty plastic cups. More friends greet us including the band. Fonda was rocking green and leather spenders....epic. Machine was rockin an over sized Dick Tracy tee and retro shades while Fat jew was still in his pre-show outfit which was a vintage red cincinnati indians coat. We met some of the opening act Trouble. Which is headed by former pro snow boarder Trevor Andrew. He had this bangin Coach leather jacket on. It was really freakin' swank! Someone's voice is letting us know the show starts in 5 minutes. As we walk out we see Matt Lally of Blood St. by this point Emily and I have been going to every show, every saturday night at Snitch. I guess I just never got around to introducing them. Before I could even say "Matt this is my friend Emily" He was making out with her. Fake pink hair sprouted out his NRA baseball cap as he Frenched my friends face. Her expression after it stopped was priceless. I couldn't give that many happy endings to see that face again. Both performances were amazing. We had been dancing and singing along to all our favorite tunes. Afterwards I got accosted by a magic performing hoeboe to the point that everyone around me was giving him some bills....sadly I was two hj's away from begging for money that I drunkenly ran away into the safety of a yellow cab. Emily had left earlier...I think i mean i hope....I mean I tots walked her to her cab and kissed her good bye.
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