The Fabrication

Throw Back Thursday Vol 2

2012-02-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't Done A Throw Back Thursday In Ages. This Song Brings Me Back To A Dirty Filthy Place In My Past. It Was Beautiful Yet Dangerous. As In I'm Happy I Lived It But Now I Sleep In A Hazmat Suit.

We Are The Champions.....AGAIN

2012-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

Last Night Was A Blast....If You Enjoy Live Tweeting And Harassing People. I Really Didn't Watch The Game...It Was More About The Ads And Madonna. It Was A Huge Year For Dog Ads....From The Fat Dog Doing Human Things For VW, The Dog Singing Darth Vader's Theme Music And The Bud Lite "Here We Go" Beer Fetching Dog. Dogs ARE SOOO IN THIS SEASON.

Madonna's Performance Was Ummmm Relevant? It Was Like Watching A 53 Year Old Woman Perform The Half Time Show. There Was A Lot Of Unnecessary Flips And Sitting On People's Shoulders.....As My Friend's Mom Said "That Part Where She Disappeared In The Smoke Like The Wicked Witch Of The West Was My Favorite Part". Madonna Should Have Done This 15 Years Ago Before Her Kids And Her Career Was Unstoppable. The Show Was Great Don't Get Me Wrong. It Was Just Painful To Watch....She Didn't Have As Many Technical Issues Like The Black Eye Peas Did.

Anyway The Commericals Were Ehhhh...But I Loved The Fact The Giants Won. New York Deserves To Be Winners. It Wasn't A Jets Win But It's A Win.....

Grease Is The Word

2012-02-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

DANNNY ZUKOOOOOOOO

I'm So Obsessed Right Now. I'm Watching The Movie After All These Little Coincidences Kept On Creeping Up Like Unsightly Razor Burns. First My Good Friend Told Me He Was Assistant Directing A Middle School Presentation Of Grease. At First I Was Really Excited I Performed The Play My Senior Year....Then After A Few Moments I Realized How Filthy The Play Is....Unwanted Pregnancies,Lying,Car Sex, Gang Dance Off Violence, Teaching Women To Be Promiscuous, Smoke And Correspond With Multiple Men Over Seas.
He Told Me That A Lot Of Material Was "Condensed" Meaning Mad Sexy Stuff Was Cut Out.

LE MIZ RAH BULLES
My Friend A Natural Performer Was Also The Teen Angel. Cutie City Right? It Made Me Remember My Days On Stage Doing The Show When On Baby Ape Son Jay Posted A Photo From The Dance Scene On The Book. Check It Out

DEAD CENTER AS PER USUAL

"Hickey From Kenickie Is A Hallmark Card." -Ka NICKS!
"The Only Girl Can Depend On Is Her Daddy"-Frenchie

"Sandy, Beauty Is Pain"-Frenchie

"I'm A Terrific Pen-Pal: Hopelessly Devoted To Each And Everyone"-Marty...My Bitch Over Here

"She's Too Pure To Be Pink"-Rizzo

"She's Too Pure To Be Pink"-Rizzo

"Hey Do Your Folks Know I Come Into Your Room Every Night?...." -Vince Fontaine

"Marty"-M "Marty What?"-V "Marty Maraschino, You Know Like In Cherry"-M

"What's With You Tonight?"-Marty
"I Feel Like A Defected Typerwriter"-Rizzo
"Huh?" -Marty
"I Skipped A Period."-Rizzo
"Think You're P.G?"-Marty OMGGGGGGGGEEZ

"When A Guy Picks A Chick Over His Buddies, Something's Gotta Be Wrong. Come On, Guys Let's Go For Some Pizza." -Sonny....Bros Before Hoes Is An Important Law. But I Barely Know Any Guys Or Gals That Follow It.

LOVES IT. Grease Is The Word

This Is Every Gay I Know In Retail.....

2012-02-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

KIERA'S KITTY KORNER Vol 4

2012-02-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

Can I Kiss Your Pussy?

Credit Goes To 40 oz

Another 40 oz

Esty

Kitty Nerd

Camelepard Also Known As A Giraffe

Zaharia Prozzy Turned Catwalk Model

Princess Lai Kitty

Shit Stoner Girls Say

2012-02-03T22:32:00.001-08:00

Saw This Two Weeks Ago....Still Kinda Funny.

My Childhood Dreams Are Gone

2012-02-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

I Grew Up Doing 3 Things As A Kid. Swimming,Eating And Watching Tv. Nickeloden Was A Huge Staple In My Life. This Past Halloween I Was Going To Dress As Heffer From Rocko's Modern Life. I Had All The Things I Needed To Do It. But I Was Working Nonstop With Halloween Items That I Dispised Halloween. ME! Hating Halloween? LE MIZ. So I Skipped Out On Everything. But I Had Stocked Up On Some Many Costumes My Personal Closet Is Looking More Like The Costume Department At Wicked.

So I Was Thinking While Sneaking A Smoke Near My Garage...I Thought How I Should Be A Rugrat. Algelcia And Chucky Were My Top Choices Obvi. I Love Redheads So I Figured I'd Do A Chuckie. Not Sleep With One But Dress As One.

Until I SAW THIS From The Creepsters At Funny or Die.....

Justin Bieber Is A Biter

2012-02-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

I Consider My Fashion Choices To Be As Important As Politic Decisions In Congress. Now It's Come To My Attention America....That Canadian Native Justin I'm Not The Daddy Bieber Is Biting On My Current Fashion Trend. Now How Do I Know This? Because This Trend Is Pretty Hard To Miss If You See Me. It's DECORATIVE SOCKSSSSSSSS.
How's My Oprah Impression? A Little To Iron Chef Secret Ingredient? Yeah I Was Afraid Of That. I'm A Big Shopper At The Legendary Sockman In The East Village. I Used To Live Down The Block From It. When I Wasn't Spending My Spare Change On A Falefal From Mamouns I'd Buy A Pair Od Crazy Tights From The Sockman. But It's Hard To Deny How Fucking Cold It Is....I've Recently Decided To Not Die.....So Instead Of Nothing But Tights And Stocking I've Boosted My Sock Draw With Socks Instead Of NYC Condoms And Random Toys. (Real Toys Not Sex Toys)

Justin That Cutie With The Awkward Jesus Tattoo On His Calf...(Jesus Is Staring At Justin's Ass) Has Been Covering Up Those Toned Puppies With........YOU GUESSED IT DECORATIVE SOCKSSSS.

Oliva Munn Is The New Katherine Heigl

2012-01-26T17:06:00.001-08:00

I Hate Katherine Heigl. From Her Shitty Attitude, Her Career Choices And Her All Around Demeanor. She Reminds Me A Lot Of Other Women I Know. Successful Cunts That Have Self Entitlement Issues. She Withdrew Her Name From The Emmy Race A Few Award Seasons Back....What A Big Smelly Fuck You To Her Bosses. Her Only Saving Grace Recently Was When I Found Out She Had A Secret Adopted Chinese Sister. I Mean I Think It's Awesome She Applied Her Stardom To A Great Cause Over The Holidays To Get Children Adopted....But I'm Not Sure If This Is Career Control, Backpedaling Jargon. Where Was This Chinese Sister When She Won Her Emmy As Dr. Izzy? I'm Too Lazy To Google Because I Don't Want To Give Her Credit For Anything Nice.

Now Oliva Munn Is Becoming THAT Annoying To Me. Not Only Did She Blow Up Her Spot About Justin Timberlake, But Wrote An Autobiography About Her Whore Climb Up The Fame Tree. Disclosing A Night With Bret Ratner....Something Involving Jerking Off And A Baby Shrimp. She Didn't Use His Name But After The Book Came Out Brett Kinda Went Batshit Ballistic. After Meeting Brett This Summer.....I Can Tell He Has A Thing For AZNs So This Could Be True. I've Had Plenty Of Weird Nights With Overweight Jewish Men Involving Shellfish. Luckily For Them I've Been Drinking My Emotions For Years And Can't Remember Major Details. My Girlfriends ON The Other Hand....Remember EVERYTHING. That's What SLOREBAGS ARE FOR. So When You're ROLE Model Is Found In A Dumpster Outside Anchor...The Police Have A Better Idea Of Why I'm Dismembered Covered In Whale Sperm.

This Isn't About Me And My Future Fate As A Dead Hooker....This Is About How Oliva Munn Is Becoming A Wretched Dick Narc. Now She's Giving Half AZN Babes A Bad Name Being Sucha Salty Slut. The Fact She's Wrote A Book Makes Me Soooo Angry. She Is Beautiful And Funny-Ish But I Personally Feel Like She's Counting Her Eggs Before They Hatch. She Hasn't Had Any Career Changing Roles. She Has Some Romantic Comedy Of A Flop Coming Out Soon, Her Cameo In Date Night Infuriates Me Like The Week Before My Period...I'm Dreading It Yet I'm Thinking What If My Ovaries Decide To Work And I Have Chester The Molesters Butt Baby Growing In Me. I'm Confused, Frustrated, Asking Myself How Did I Get Here???

Don't Get It In My EYES!

I Used To Like The Idea Of Olivia Munn. A HOT HOT HALF AZN That Chats Up Nerds About Star Wars On A Cable Channel That Caters To Only Gamers. That's Like My Dream Gig. But Then I Only Kept On Hearing Stupid Shit About Her. From Fucking Chris Pine,Justin Timberlake And Brett Ratner. Her One Show Got Cancelled And I Haven't Seen Her In Any Current Projects Besides The Male Stripper Movie With Channing Tatum. That's Right Ladies. This Future Gem For The Personal Pink Phone Sessions Late At Night Is A Biopic Based Of Channing's Stripper Years. I Find Both Gay And Straight Strippers To Be Really Hot So I Might Have To Illegal Download This Movie. Because I Will NOT Give Olivia Munn A Dime Of My Hooking Money. NO SIR.

Currently Olivia Is Rocking The Big Girl Bob That's A Popular Trend In Hollywood. The "I Want To Be Taken Seriously Hair Cut" Is Making It's Rounds With Miley, Katy Perry, Cameron Diaz And KATHERINE HEIGL! Nothing Says I'm Trying To Serious Like A Bob. It's The "My Hair Is Too Short To Be In A Ponytail So I Don't Give Head Hair Cut" The "I'm Not A Crazy Slut, Look At How Serious I Am".......

I'm Your Kids Role Model

So Now Katherin Heigl Is Struggling To Get Her Career Back To Where It Was When Knocked Up Came Out. Did You Know She's In The Lowest Grossing Movie Ever Made? Did You Also Know Her Most Current Movie Is Offering An Online Deal With Groupon?? I Shit You Not My Lovelies. She's Struggling To Keep Her Career Alive Because Her Shitty Attitude Has Gotten Her Nowhere.

Now Katherine Could Easily Do A Sexy Photo Shoot To Get Her Male Fans Back...But She's A Married Mom. Her Future Conservative AZN Daughter Doesn't Want A SLUTZO For A Mom. Plus Her Posing Naked Won't Gain Her Female Fans Back. My Advice? Well Her Action Comedy Is A Start. I'd Suggest Going Back Into Sci-fi. Aliens,Vampires,Zombies These Have Strong Fan Bases And You're Career Is A Milk Dud.

Olivia's Problem? She's Unrealateable To Other Women. BOO HOO I'm Too Hot To Keep Justin Timberlake Happy Sexually. Only You And Kate Hudson Have This Problem. I'm Pretty Positive Rihanna Had More Sex With Justin Then Both Those Women Combined. RiRi Likes The Crazy Shit...
Olivia Comes Off Really Bitchy, Annoying And Acts Like She's Better Then You. I'm Sure If We Were Friends In Real Life I'd Love This Bitch. We'd Have A Gaggle Of Gays Sit Around A Bustling Cafe And Shit Talk About Fashion,Sex And Dick Size. But I Can't Imagine That While She's Being So Fucking Annoying.

So This Whole Bret Ratner Thing Has Catapulted Her Career. She Narced. It's One Thing If Betty White,Carrie Fischer Or Liz Taylor Came Out With A Tell All Book. They've Had Decades Long Careers. I Bet 75% Of Americans Have NO IDEA Who She Is. Like If Sophia Bush,Kristen Bell Or Rachel Bilson Wrote Books About Their Lives....I Doubt I'd Even Read The Title Page. The Idea Is Just Straight Up Bonkers. Now That There's This Publicized Feud Between Her And The Tower Heist Director There's A Buzz Behind Her Name. But Her Publicist Finally Spoke Up And Told Her To Stay Mum On The Topic. WOW And She Listened? Shocking. At This Point She Should Just Stay Quiet About EVERYTHING Until Her Press Tour For Her Magic Mike Movie. Because You're Beyond Annoying In My Scrapbook Of Actresses That Urk Me.

I Love Bill Clinton

2012-01-24T23:35:00.000-08:00

Thai-Tanic

2012-01-22T21:24:00.001-08:00

KIERA'S KITTY KORNER Vol 3

2012-01-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

Shit New Yorkers Say

2012-01-22T09:57:00.001-08:00

I Love This. I Love This More Then My Bette Midler Poster......My Favorite Line Has To Be "Do You Smell Maple Syrup?" Because There's Always That Awkward Smell In The Humid Spring-Summer Months...Right? I Mean I'm OBVI Not The Only One.

Damnit Jim I'm A Doctor Not A Comedian!!!!

2012-01-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

Last Night While I Talking Up @iRespectGmail....Outta The Blue Comedian Louis CK Took It Upon Himself To Intervene...

I Have A Weird Fetish For Redheads And Comedians. Louis CK Is Literally The King Of My Vagina. I'd Let Him Do Terrible Things To Me. But I Have A Feeling He'd Just Make Me Wash His Dishes.

This Was A Great Week In Twitter For Me. I Was On e! News....Tj Miller Stopped Following And Now Louis CK Knows How Much Of A Creep I Am.....PERF!

Renew, Reuse, Recycle!

2012-01-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

I've Recently Become Obsessed With The Idea Of Resource Warehouses. Thanks To The Rumored Cancelled Show The Nate Burkas Show I've Become More Aware Of Resourcing. I've Always Love The Idea Of Reusing Old/ Vintage Items. My Mother And Myself Are Complete Pack Rats (Colorful Way Of Saying Hoarding) I Discovered This Great Website http://bigonjunk.com/ Of A Self Taught Artist That Dumpster Dives To Find Amazing Disguarded Items And Turns Them Into Epic Pieces Of Art.

After One Of The Pins On My Toilet Broke. Then I Remember Artsy Toilet Decorating. This First Came To Light In My Life When Action Star (Can I Say That?) Shia LaBeouf Spoke About His Passion. I've Always Loved Shia. 2 Major Reasons Why And No It Has Nothing To Do With The Fact To Brought Megan Fox To The Boneyard. Firstly His Name Means "Thank God For The Beef" In Two Other Languages That I'm Too Lazy To Google. (Is Google Is Blacked Out? Once You Go Black You....) Secondly He Told A Story About His Dad's Ball Hanging Out Of His Shorts On Shia's First Date. AH MAZE ZING. If My Dad Was Still Alive I'd Hope He's Just Land Around The Beach With One Ball Out At Cooper's Beach As Hot Babes Walked By. You Know Why? Because My Was A Veteran, He Fought In A Foreign War AND WHY CAN'T An AMERICAN HERO Go Free Ballin In This Day N Age? I'm Not Saying My Dad Would Really Be Like This But I Wouldn't Poo Poo The Idea Of Him Being Like That.

Back To My Future Ex-Hubby Mr. Beef, Back in 2008 He Got Into A HUGE Car Crash...Remember? I Do. It Was The Day The Sweet Disney Louis Steven Died And Cigarette Smoking, Knife Holding, Punch First Ask Questions Later Shia The A-Grade Beef LaBeouf Was Born....

{Hollywood reporter Janet Charlton claims that Shia's arts and crafts moneymaker came tumbling out of his truck the morning of his fateful rollover accident.

Charlton writes: "The street around his accident was strewn with his gym bag, hot pizza in a box, and several brand new toilet seats."} This Little Ditty Is From M&C

So After Cruising The Net I Found This Killer Artist Stuart Haygarth. His Speciality Is Chandeliers Made From Junk.

Recycled Eye Glass Lenses

Childhood Dreams

2012-01-19T23:09:00.001-08:00

I Went To A Really Cute Elementary School In The Small Town Of Sag Harbor. Every Morning We Had Morning Sing Which Was A PTA Meeting Mashed With Seasame Street Like Activities. There Were Puppet Shows, I Learned My First Spanish Words There, I Even Impersonated Elvis With My Extremely Hot Teacher Mr. D. One Great Thing About My School Was The Presence Singer/Song Writer Rick Charette Had. Some Of His Songs Are Memorable, Even Sickenly Stuck In My Head For The Rest Of My Life. Here's One Of My Favorite Jams.....Alligator In The Elevator....Much Like Love In A Elevator By Aerosmith....A Lot Of Shit Goes Down While Your Going Up? Wait Wait A Lot Is Going Up While Your Going Down? I Don't KNOW! Steve Tyler's Penis Steve Tyler's Penis Steve Tyler's Penis!!!

@DaddyIssues On E! News....

2012-01-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

LIKE MY DEFAULT????????

I Look Like Shit When I Recorded This...But I Was To Excited To Put My Face ON!!!
Check Out The Clip Of Me Recording My Twitter Tv Debut....

By By The Way Amy Davis Your A Fucking Idiot If You Think Megan Fox Looks More Like Liz Taylor. And Being Judemental About Lindsay's Past Is Messed Up. She's An Addict And Can Not Be Accountable For Her Actions Under The Influence Of Narcotics.

ASSHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2012-01-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

After Reading Some Italian Newspapers Online...It's Come To Light That The Captain Is An Asshole. The Whole Sandbar Story Is Bullshit. The Captain Was Showing Off For The Former Captain And Crew Member. Instead Of Following The Designated Route....He Wanted To Come Close To A Small Island And Blow The Horn So He Could Wave To His Former Captain. He Wasn't Even On The Bridge At The Time And Abandoned Ship Before Calling The Coast Guard. Not Only Did He Not Follow Protocol Of Practicing Evacuation Procedures And Now Is Trying To Cover His Tracks By Saying "Those Rocks Were On The Map"....Just Pulled Up The Map And They're There. Your An Immature Asshole That's Responsible For 5 Confirmed Deaths And 15 Missing People. Oh Did I Mention You Sank A Huge Ship That's Probably Worth 20 Million Dollars If Not More.....

You Had Me At Penis Shaped Hat!

2012-01-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

It's Really A Boot. Here's My Vote For President For 2012. Meet Vermin Supreme. If His Name Alone Isn't Enough To Warrant Your Vote Maybe You Should Check Out This Video.....Not Only Did He Harass Ron Paul While He Was Enjoying A Nice Meal....But Challenged Him And President Obama To A Panty Wrestling Contest. I'm Not Sure If That Involves Mud Or Woman's Panties....

OMG SHOES!!!!

2012-01-15T21:56:00.001-08:00

This IS So EPIC! I Nearly Pissed Myself

Terrible Etiquette Tips For Dining Out

2012-01-15T21:15:00.001-08:00

KIERA'S KITTY KORNER Vol 2

2012-01-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

KIERA'S KITTY KORNER Vol 1

2012-01-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

VOLDMORT CAT

My IS A DICK

Fell In Love in A Hopeless Place

2012-01-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome TO The Jungle

2012-01-14T19:11:00.001-08:00

My Epic Time With Kelly Clarkson

2012-01-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

So First Off Kelly Clarkson Is The Voice Of Our Generation. Fuck Christina. If You Don't Already Know How Much I Distaste I Have For Her Here Are Some Blog Entries.....

Anyway Kelly Really Really Brought It Out. Her Band Is Fantastic And Seem Like A Great Group Of Artist To Work With. Not To Mention Cory Churko......I See You.

Kelly Has Been Getting A Lot Of Unwarranted Bullshit From The Media From Her Ron Paul Tweets To Her Weight. In All Honesty It's So Stupid And Distracting From Her Talent. But With Her New Album Coming Out Any Press Is Good Press....Girl Has Some Serious Pipes And Knows How To Keep Her Fans Happy.

Did I Mention She Sang Cee-Lo Green? OMG SHE KILLLLLLLED IT.

Yo Cory, My Man. You Are So Sexy It's Painful. I Will Destroy You. Like That Russian In Rocky 4.

I Will Make You Exotic Juices And Shakes With My Omega Juicer. I Will Make Delicious Thai Dishes For You And The Rest Of The Band....Just To Have You Seduce Me With Those Eyes And High Kicks Of Yours...

Oh And Kelly....Fabric Ceiling Condoms ARE SOOOOOO IN RIGHT NOW

Get Concert. I Think I'm Even Bigger Fan After Seeing How Comfortable Kelly Is With Her Fans. She's Def My Home Girl For Life. I Will Seriously Consider Making More Rubin Studdard Jokes Now.

Hipster Music

2012-01-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

I Love This Song. But Something Sheveka On Youtube Wrote Made Me Think How Much The Hipster Music Trend Is Numbing Me.

"A mixture of beautiful sounds and voices - what a shame the lyrics are written so poorly and there's no emotional or any other kind of beauty to the meaning. Just a mundane song about cigarettes. This is such a typical hipster song that is empty and devoid of any real value but on the outside looks beautiful."

Enjoy It Anyway...It's Just A Cigarette

When I Wake Up

2012-01-12T12:41:00.001-08:00

Say A Pray For ME.

She Is So LATE

2012-01-10T15:33:00.001-08:00

Sometimes You Feel Like A Slut Sometimes You Don't

2012-01-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

Working On My Fitness

2012-01-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

This Terrible Tips Comes To You From Excessive Coffee Drinking, Lack Or Sex And Quitting Cigarettes. OH Did I Mention I'm Sober? Yeah That Got Cut Off Because I Was Watching Too Much Porn Or Something. So My Intro Got Chopped Off. Oh WELL.

Fucking French Fries

2012-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

Ever Want To Have A Hands On Conversation With Me? How About While Eating French Fries In A Lexus On The MEAN Streets Of Sag Harbor? I Just Fucking HOOKED YOU UP!

Some Of My Favorite Highlights In The Short Film I Created Is
-Shitting On Little Kids That Love Nicki Minaj
-Shitting On People That Do Impressions Of Me- Jesse Zorski I Fucking See You
-Shitting On Bad Parents
-EATING FRENCH FRIES

Tonight?

2012-01-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

So New Years Really Has No Meaning To Me. Honestly I Get SOOOOO Uncomfortable Around Other DRunks. I Need To Be The Sloppiest Person In The Room. I Feel Like I'm The AZN Snooki Sometimes And I'm In Need Of My Vinny. Omg

Story Number One: The Bathroom Scene In This Music Video Is My Life In 2006. I'll Blow Up My Own Spot. Sorry Bobby.

Story Number Two: My Former Roommate Had Sex Withy Vinny From The Jersey Shore In A Club Bathroom.

Story Number Three: I Will Pay For A Picture Of DJ PAULY D'S Dick. Or A Tasteful Drawing Of It. I Want To See What Kind Of Dick Piercing He Has. He's Literally The Man Of My Dreams. High Maintenance, Tan, Straight Teeth And If The Washing Machine Was To Ever Break Down I Have His Rocking Abs To Do My Whites On.

By Whites I Mean My Teeth. BAHAH Just Kidding. I Never Use Teeth.

Anyway Friends I Want To Wish You All A Happy New Year. I Really Could Give A Fuck But It's A Great Excuse To Text EVERYONE In My Phone Because I'm A Sad Little Puppy That Needs Massive Amounts Of Attention.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE AMERICAN THEN FUCKING IN A BATHROOM STALL IN NEW YORK CITY- @DaddyIssues

Dick GALORE

2011-12-31T18:33:00.000-08:00

Some Great Dick Shots Were All Over The Internet This Year. Thanks To Websites Like IsAnyoneUp.com and WorldStarHipHop.com. We Got To See Chris Brown And Gabe Saporta. Or We Can Thank "Artist" Like Soulja Boy Twitpicing Himself.....Anyway Thanks Guys. Pete Wentz Is Nothing But Jealous.

Dirt Nasty Get It Together!

Stpid FUcking CAT!

2011-12-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

ThisVideo Is Brought To YOU By MYCATISADICK.COM

NYE!!!

2011-12-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

LET'S SAY NO TO

Things My Mom Says

2011-12-21T18:48:00.000-08:00

I've Been Tweeting The Weird Things My Mom Says For A Few Years. But If You Read My Tweets It's Predominately About Sex So I'm Sure You Have No Idea What I'm Even Talking About. So After All The Crazy Stuff She's Said In The Last 24 Hours Alone. I've Decided To Write A Few Of Her Gems Down Here.

What She Has To Say About The Music Industry :

Eminem Has Such A Smooth Yet Spicy Voice. Like Cinnamon.

That Stephanie Girl? I Don't Like Her. She Looks Like An Alien With Vagina Lips.
(Fun Fact: She Scribbles Out Her Face In Every Magazine She Has)

On Athletes

He Looks Like Aladdin. You Know One Of Those Disney Princes.

I Hate Him. He's So Inmature. He Throws Kim Around. What An Asshole, He Lost Her Earrings In The Ocean.
(I Told Her I'd Let Him Throw Me Around. She Didn't Talk To Me For The Rest Of The Night)

That's Only From The Last Few Days. I'm Sure Our Two Christmas Dinners Will Really Pick It Up A Notch.

Terrible Tips For The Holidays

2011-12-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

Here's A Little Video I Did Dishing Out Some Pretty Awful Advice To Party Guests And Hosts.

Talented Kids

2011-12-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

I Can't Have Kids Of My Own. So I've Adopted Amazing Children On The Way.
One Of My Amazing Children Was In Grease With Me When I Was Still In High School. Not Only Is He An Amazing Singer. My Boy Can Sing And Dance Better Then Usher. Oh And Karate Chop A Mofo.
I Love My Boys So Much. My Daughter Has The Ability To Pull It Out But The Boys Truly Love Mommy. Here's A Little Holiday Ditty My Baby Ape Did For Me.

ilove Jason Gettling

Where Are My Feet Suppose To Take Me

2011-12-17T19:14:00.000-08:00

Here's One Of My Favorite New York Bands GONZO JONES Playing A Personal Anthem Of My Life. These Funky Guys Are Phenomal Performers And Musicians. I Used To Dropped Everything With Little To No Money Hop The Train. Party All Night At One Of Their Shows....Crawl Back Onto The LIRR
And Work At 10 AM In East Hampton. Smelling Like Scott Disick's Balls...Which I Imagine Would Smell Like Foreign Oils, Sweat And Vodka.

I Love EB, Erik, Donovan And Of Course Chris With That Glorious Fro.

Holiday Gasp!

2011-12-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

That's SNL's Weekend Update's New York Tourist Correspondent Stefan. This Is SNL's Holiday Card. Courtesy Of My Friend TJ Mannix.

I LOVE ERIC

2011-12-15T22:10:00.001-08:00

I Miss The 90's DUH

Call Your Girlfriend

2011-12-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

I Can Watch This A Million TImes.

Perfect Bitch

2011-12-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

Stephanie March Is Best Known For Her Role On Law & Order: SVU. As District Attorney Alex Calbot. I'm Watching Head Of State. She's In It. I'm Not Really Paying Her Attention Because She's Just Not That Person That's Blowing Me AWay.

{Sidenote: 1) I Miss Bernie Mac 2) How Ironic Is It Head Of State Is ON HBO After Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign? BAHAHAHAH}

Back To The Snoozefest That Is Stephanie March. She's Married To Ginger Celebrity Chef Bobby Flay. So She Gets Publicity Whenever He Opens A New Burger Joint. She's So Boring To Me. I Love Her For Her Plainness And Her Ability To Play A Lawyer Or Politician

MADEMOISELLE YULIA GIMME GIMME by FAFI

2011-12-06T19:36:00.000-08:00

LOVE THIS SONG
LOVE THIS VIDEO
LOVE THE FASHION STATEMENTS!!!

Hangover

2011-11-30T05:21:00.000-08:00

I'm Loving This Song. But It's Making Me Wanna Vom Vom.

This Video Has Everything I Love.....Furries, Girls In Sailor Suits, Bobby Lee Half Naked, A Road Yacht, Dirty Bare Mattresses, Great Video Freeze Frames And Everywhere Taio Went He Finds Dead Hookers. Ah Mah Zing.

The Very End Is My Favorite Because I Want To Steal Bobby Lee And Have Him Be My Little Cabana Boy Like Bryan Callen In 90's Era MadTv.

Russians Are Assholes

2011-11-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

I Read In Some Poll That Russians Were The Worst In Bed. Not Surprising. I Imagine It Being Really Fast To Cause Body Heat But It Would Be Really Short. Holy Potatoes Indy That's A Terrible Idea. Anyway Not Only Have They Defeated Napoleon And Hitler Then Defeated The SEX Game. They're Rough Enough To Live Those Awful Winters And Ride Around On Bears.....Even Their Rural/Stray Dogs Would Rather Ride The Subway To Get Away From Their Owners And Find Some Hot Dog Poon Before Dealing With Their Terrible Owners.

Anyway From This Video Below I Think It's More Then Apparent They're Heartless Assholes.

Even The Bears Are Drunks

Shorty Wanna Ride With Me?

2011-11-22T17:32:00.000-08:00

Get Distracted With Me

2011-11-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

Things I'm Furious About

2011-11-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

Karl Slover Died After I Declared My Love For Him.........

Oliva Munn Is Fucking Annoying. She Wrote A Fucking Book. Not A Novel But A Biography. Ballsy For A Dumb Slut. I'll Write More About This Snaggle Vagina. I Have A Full Rant.

Jessica Simpson Is Finally Admitting She's Pregnant. How Many Months Is She? 65 Months Along? That Baby Is Gonna Be HUGEEEEEE. Just Do What Christina Did. Just Keeeeeeeeep Getting FATTER. Anyone See Christina Last Night? She's Like The Blonde Snooki. Hey Snickers This Is What You Look Like If You Were 2 Inches Taller, Somewhat Talented And Blonde.
I'm Not Telling Bitches To Lose Weight. Just Wear Better Clothing.

Anyone Else Hear Kelly Osbourne Laughing Her Face Off? Did Anyone Else See Her Chicken Cutlet Pop Out? I Give Her Credit For Not Falling Or Forgetting Her Words To Her 30 Seconds Of Singing. Better Then What She Looked AT The Michael Jackson Tribute.....

I Still Haven't Seen Tower Heist.

The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Has Olivanders Wand Making Shop In Hogsmeade. HOGSSSSSMEADE! Oh And The Wand For My Celtic Birthday Looked Like It Had Anal Warts. OH And The Whole Cast Was In Orlando While I Was There.....Missed A Weasly Sandwich. WHAT FUCK?
I'm Mean I Had A Wonderful Day. Don't Get Me Wrong But This Witch In The Gift Shop Coulda Just Let Me Be A Fool In Never Knowing The Truth. But I'm Pretty Sure Those Guys Would Think All American Girls Are Batshit Crazy If I Said A Single Phrase To Them.

Netflix Is Still To Expensive.

I'm Procrastinating Life.

White People That LOVE Thanksgiving.

I NEED SOME HELP!!!

2011-11-19T15:38:00.001-08:00

Did YOU CUM YET? UGH Love This Jam. Makes Me Wanna Buy Expensive Pants Just To Throw Them Off!!! I Need Some SERIOUS HELP!...So Hot. Moist Even.

It Sucks To Be A Clam

2011-11-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

"Clam Or Ham Whose Hunger?"- United States Of Tara

It's Come To My Attention That I Do NOT Want To Be A Clam When I'm Reincarnated. Those Little Fuckers Are FUCKED. They Live Their Lives Under The Soft Sand Then Assholes Or Worse SEA GULLS Dig Them Up And They Can't Do Anything About It. Then The Sea Gulls Drop Them On To The Road. Atleast The Sea Gulls I Fuck With Do. I Don't Fuck Around With Dump Divers. My Sea Gulls Eat Sea FOOD. Anyway. All I Have To Say Is Please Don't Cook Me.

Speak Before You Think

2011-11-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

I'm Feeling This Cover Real Hard. Not Only Is Kanye's Ranting Real But I Feel It. Deep In My Soul. He's A Creative Mind And Our World Has Become This Mass Of Judgement. Let The Man Create, Make Some Dough And Fantasize About Music.

Throw Back Thrusday

2011-11-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

I Just Wanna Fucking Live....Or Die. Which Ever Gets People Off My Back. I Get A Lot Of Good Charlotte Stuck In My Head. This Girl Danielle From My Acting Class From My Senior Year In High School Loved Me. Like Wanted Me To Sit On Her Face While I Smoked A Cigarette And Jammed About Celebrity Bullshit. She Wanted In Like Tara Reid Wants To Get Into A Las Vegas Night Club Without Having To Carry A Dvd Box Set Of American Pie.

Anyway I Know I Make Terrible Decisions. Isn't That Good Enough That I Know Before I Do It, It's Bad? I Mean I Always Thought It Was The Thoughts That Counted. Not My Actions And Bruises.

Speaking Of Bruises....I"ve Been Bruise Free For A Week....Wait A Minute. I've Been Burn Free....Okay I Am Full Of Shit.

PS Benji Madden You Can Sooooooo Tear This Ass UP!

iLove Karl Slover

2011-11-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

Wasn't That So Fucking Lovely? That's Karl Slover As In THE SLOW LOVER. He's One Of The Last Living Munchkins. Which Means He's Like Finding The Only Virgin At Burning Man.

I Love Him. I Love Him Like My Cat Cookie Loves Drooling On My Face While I Sleep Every Night. He's So Sweet, Magical And Whimsical. The Moment I Saw Him In This Wizard Of Oz Special This Past Weekend I've Been Obsessed. I've Been Playing His Video Every Second I Can. Watching Him Sing And Talk About The Movie...Makes Me Squeal Like A Fat British Girl At Last Call At A Smelly Pub.

I NEED To Meet Him. This Is A Time Sensitive Mission For Me. I Wanna Be With Him All The Time. I Want To Help Play Bingo Every Tuesday, Wheel Him Around The Local King Kullen And Sing And Dance In The Frozen Department. I Want To Help Up The Stairs As He's Sleeping In My Arms Like A Little Elf. I Need To Be With Karl Slover. The Slow Lover.

Now I'm Going Back To My Titantic Soundtrack CD And Crying About My Unrequested Love....

Recap

2011-11-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Halloween Is Over. It's Taken Me This Long To Fully Recover From The Shit Storm I Caused For Myself. Fall Is The Season Where I Really Shine As A Full Blown Roller Coaster Of A Mess. No Reason To Go Into Details Because I'm Already Over It. But Lemme Describe A Scenerio Of My Emotional Distress Level. It's Like Lindsay Lohan Is Totes Freaking About Jail. I MEAN WE ALL WERE LINDSAY. She Goes Through All These Motions And She Sentenced To Jail. We All Know Deep DOwn Inside It Means Nothing. She'll Probably Be In There For A Few Hours Tops. (Overcrowding...Seriously?) She's All Tears On Court-Tv Then After A Few Days In The Clink A Few Weeks Under House Arrest She's Back On The Streets With Her Fame Whore Mother Dina Doing THe Same Shiz That Got Her In Trouble. Like Stealing A Gold Necklace Or Stealing An SUV Filled With Guys That Don't Know What's Going On Or Why Amber Isn't Picking Up Her Cell Phone.

People Keeping Saying "Make Good With A Bad Situation" Oh Because Sharing Your Bedbug Infested Blanket With The Other Homelesss Guy That Pissed Himself Would Make Yourself Feel Better. It Won't. Sure The Body Heat Would Be Nice But He Smells Like Old Piss And Purell.

I'm Thankful Halloween Is Over. Family Themed Holidays Are Underway. Just Another Reason To Hate Life. But Atleast There's Good Food Involved And Family Talks.

Here Are My Two Favorite Things From Halloween This Season.

I Need To Get Into A Fucking Dance Class Is The Moral Of This Entry. I Need To Fucking Dance To Creep Halloween Music And Not Spend Another Year In Court.

Dear Eddie Murphy Vol 1

2011-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I Grew Up Around Celebrities My Whole Life. No Big Whoop. I Sexually Harass Alec Baldwin On The Regular......He's Still In The Process Of Filing His Paperwork....NO Seriously.

Anyway Only Person I Ever Bugged Out On Was Andy Samberg When I Was 17. But After Much Much Much Thought. I Figured Out Who'd I'd Probably Cry If I Saw In Person. CRRRRRY Like Ming Lee From Japan When She Saw Michael Jackson For The 8th Time.

I Think I'd Probably Cry If Eddie Murphy Came Into My Life. With His Beautiful Smile, His Wonderful Laugh, His Phenomenal Facial Expressions. I'm Pretty Positive When He Was On SNL Getting Shot Dressed As Buckwheat He Was Thinking "Oh Man I Can't Wait To Fuck This Baby That Hasn't Even Been Born Yet". I Know He Was. Now You Know He Was. Let's Face It, I'm Gonna Meet Him, Cry Then Try To Blow Him Under A Table In A Badly Lit Comedy Club....I Don't Think He Even Goes Into Those. But Still I Want EDDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEE MURPHY!

Dear Eddie Murphy from daddy issues on Vimeo.

RINGGGGA

2011-10-19T20:23:00.001-07:00

Having A Truly Awful Week Yet THIS Video Has Made It Slighly Better

Terrible Thursday

2011-10-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

I Love The 90's Like Bobby Brown Misses Whitney's Money. There's Something So Delicious About Watching A Terrible Music Video. Like Whenever I See Road Kill Up Ahead On My Way To The Corner That I Hook On....I Have To Literally Press My Face To The Window And See What Kind Of Animal It Is. I Took Another Way To Work Two Days Ago And For Some Sick Reason I Got Excited When I Saw A Dead Deer And Opossum On The Same Short Stretch Of Street. Why? Because I Hate Those Fuckers.

Ever Seen A Real Live Opossum In The Dead Of Night? A Crisp Spring Night While Your Hopped On Drugs? Well Lemme Just Tell You They're Bastards. Filthy Disgusting Bastards. Like Over Grown Rat Bastards. Did I Mention They're Mean? I Couldn't Even Imagine Seeing One Hanging Upside Down Like In The Bambi Movie. I Think I Might Just Cry Right Now Thinking About It.

So This Music Video Is Sooooo Typical Late 90's Video. The Group Is On Mopeds On Their Way To The Boardwalk. So Far So Good...Following The Formula....Wifebeaters, Carnival Lights, Jetskiis, Guys In Over Sized Sports Jerseys And Those Purple/Red Sunglasses!!! AMAZING! I Mean What Band Didn't Have A Music Video On A Boardwalk? I'm Sure Jessica Simpson,LFO And Mandy Moore Did The Same Or Similar.....

Now Don't You Feel A Litte Bit Better After Watching That? Those Infectious Beats, Those Innocent Yet Graphic Lyrics? "I Know It's Not For Me/ I'm In Too Deep/ I Missed A Miles Of Fun" Okay I Really Don't Know The Lyrics. BUT I Am A Pervert And A Lot Of My Key Words Were Being Sang. My Ears Were Literally Burning. This Bubble Gum Shit That Passed For Music In The Late 90's Makes Me So Happy. Reminds Me Of 7th Grade When I Was Sexually Frustrated, Confused Why There Was Hair Growing There And Where Is That Smell Coming From? I Wanted To Share This Beautiful Yet Extremely Awful Music Video With You. So You Can Understand The Demented Mood I'm In While I Talk To Creeps On The Internet About Their Sexual Problems. I'm The AZN Fucking Dr. Ruth Over Here.

Hello My Lovlies

2011-10-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've Been A Little MIA With The Internet For A Hot Minute. Don't Be Worry My Little Pretties. I Wasn't In A Bangkok Prison Learning New Crafts Like Basket Weaving. That Was The Summer Of 2004. I Did Travel A Bit. I Did Adquire Some Fantastic New Friends On The Way And Great Stories That Will Last Me Until My Two Front Teeth Pop Outta My Face From My Abusive New Girlfriend In 2032. The Way I See It.....I'll Go On A Major Rampage The Day Bill Clinton Dies. I'm Predicting He'll Die While Having Sex With Me. Please Enjoy This Little Ditty From A Very Under Rated Band Cake

Team AZN

2011-08-18T14:47:00.001-07:00

I Have No Idea What This Song Is About But I'm A Sucker For Hot Asian Girls In Great Clothes....

What Happened To Your Face Girl?

2011-07-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

Rose McGowan Has Been Trying To Pull Off This Face Lately. Girlfriend Got Into A Serious Car Accident In 2007.She's Been Repairing Her Broken Relationship With Robert Rodriguez Since With Her Train Wreck Of A Face.

The Director And His Muse Back In Happier Days.

Cut ME OUT

2011-07-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

I Will Eat You Whole

2011-07-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

My Obsession With Boys This Week Has Been OOC. I Just Want To Use Your Love Tonight.

I Hope My Unwanted Kids Are Like This

2011-07-15T19:20:00.001-07:00

Way Too Many People I Went To High School With Have Kids. I'm Not Even 25. Some Even Have Like 2 Kids...GROSS. But If All Them Turn Out Like This Golden Boy I'll Reconsider Getting My Ovaries Back From The Doctors At The Clinic.

What Happened To Forever?

2011-07-15T18:32:00.001-07:00

I Dig This So Much

BEARS!

2011-07-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

This Music Video Is So Extremely Hard To FIND! Okay No It Wasn't I Just Had To Go On Some Greek Site To Find It. First Off Zebra Is A Great Band. Headlined By Randy Jackson. I Did Go To Acting School With His Son Whose Also A Great Musician As Well....

My Wife And Jeff

A Few Summers Ago I Had This Urge To Find Jamie's Dad's Band. He'd Always Talked About It In School But I Totes Thought It Wasn't This Big Deal. So I Looked Them Up And This Music Video MADE MY LIFE. I Was Probably Really High When I Found It At My Gf's House BUT I've Never Regretted It For 1 Second! OMG Please Enjoy This Video.

According To My Mom Vol 1.

2011-07-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I Had Recently Revealed To My 68 Year Old Thai Mother That If I Was To Get Married; That I'd Probably Marry A Jewish Man. Her Response Was Surprisely Positive. "Oh Jewish Men Make Great Husbands. They're Good With Their Money, Their Family, And It's All Around Great Security. Who The Fuck Would Let Their Son Marry You?" My Mom Has Recently Been Trying "Fuck" Out In The Backyard And Lemme Tell You From Experience She Loves To Cuss Now.

I Went Through My Phone To Show Her All My Of Prime Time Jews.
After I Showed Her Fat Jew She Thought I Was Kidding When I Professed My THICK LUST For Him To Her. She Was Straight Up Perplexed At My Attraction To This Adonis Of A Man. Didn't Help That The First Picture I Showed Her Was Of His Pubic Mound..... That's His Penis......

Then I Showed Her My Lovely Lovely Matthew Sterling. Not Only Does He Have The Looks Of A Hot Hot Hot Half Asian Model But He Sings....Just For Me At 8 AM Even After I Jumped Into A Pool Fully Clothed And Stole A Bottle Of Rum. He's V-Neck Tee Shirt Collection Is Extremely Impressive. Oh And He's The Only Person I Know That Can List Every Actor That Was On Mtv's Undressed. If That Isn't Enough Qualities To Husband Him Up ASAP Then I Probably Should Call IMBOYCRAZY For More Love Advise.

Who Do You Think Looks Best On Me?

Think Pink

2011-06-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm Not Going To Address That Justin's Perfume Looks Much Like LOLA By Marc Jacobs. What's The Point? Yes They Look Similar. But Justin When That Extra Mile To Make His Flower Topper To His Perfume Look Like A Blooming Onion Vagina. I Have No Issues With It. I Give This Kid Credit.....He's Like This Is My Favorite Scent And I Want All My Bitches To Smell Like This.

FATHER'S DAY

2011-06-20T08:09:00.001-07:00

I Haven't Celebrated Father's Day Since I Was Child. Luckily All My Friends Are Dads And Make Incredible Jams For Me To Fuck To.

Toy Shopping With The Wife

2011-06-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

If You Think I Sound Like A Monster When I Laugh Out Loud......Then Your Like Most Of The Men Buried In My Basement.

WE RUN THIS

2011-06-07T20:55:00.001-07:00

I Guess

Rock & Roll

2011-06-04T20:06:00.001-07:00

Fresh Faced

2011-05-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm Sorry My Gays But Madge Isn't Looking Toooo Fresh In This Picture. I Would Formly Like To Thank The Plastic Surgeon That's Encouraging Aging Actresses And Entertainers To Get This AWFUL Cheek Implants. It Doesn't Make You Look Younger But Bloated..... Like An Alcoholic.

Wanna Come Home With Me?

2011-05-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've Been Really Sick Due To Allergies And Stress. Taking Time Off From Work And Other Responsiblities I've Spent A Much Needed Time In Bed Like Mad Madame Mim.

Like Mad Madame Mim I Hate Sunshine And Everything Wholesome.....I Prefer Having A Pale Glow And Dark Bags Under My Eyes. But My Family Suggested I Get Out And Get Some Real Vitamin D. I Mean I Spend Hundreds Of Dollars On Vitamins Online Just To Stay Inside...That's Because I Want To Have China White Skin Like Dolly Parton. My Whitening Face Wash Has Given Me Back Years...(I'm Pretty Sure There's Stem Cells In There). If I Could Hold My Breath Underwater I'd Let Those Pedicure Fish Eat The Dead Skin Off My Face. But The Salon I Went To Says We'd Have To Do That Procedure "After Hours".

Speaking Of Fish I Went To Petco. I Really Want A Pet Octopus Or Codfish. But Apparently I'm Not Smart Enough To Keep It Alive. Oh Really? I Saw 60 Frogs In A Plastic Trash Can In Chinatown. Sure They Might Not Be Happy But They're Alive Aren't They? Until Some Hungry Family Buys Them For Food Which Is NARLY. If A Chinese Man With Grey Hair Growing Out Of His Ears & Nose Can Keep Sea Creatures Alive I Totes Can Too!

Here's Some Pics And A Video I Made From My Adventure....In Petco

Stinky Albino

Gossiping Birdies

ON SALE!

Retired Drag Queen Alert

HOLY FUCK FACE

2011-05-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

Bristol Palin Is Famous For Being The Pregnant Daughter Of A Potential VP Candidate. She's Now The Ambassador Or Something To Some Stupid Campaign For Abstinence. That's Like An Obese Person Campaigning For Anorexia. Anyway Little Bristol Was On Dancing With The Star This Past Fall. And I Believe Kathy Griffin Had Said That Bristol Was The Only "Star" To Gain Weight In DWTS History. Bristol Fired Back Saying Something Like Kathy Was A Bully With Botched Surgery.

I'm Not Anti-Plastic Surgery But Sometimes Doing Too Much All At Once Is A Little Cray Cray When Your In The "Spotlight". I Had No Idea The Swan Was Coming Back To Tv.

Bristol Doesn't Exactly Come From A Strong Educational Background Or Good Genetics. She Does Look Better But She Looks Like The Barbie Verision OF Herself. Girl Who You Fuckin'? You've NEVER Worn Your Hair Like That Or Worn Anything Not Republican Party Approved. (Minus Your AWFUL Dresses On DTWS) I Get It, But Your Never Going To Be A Positive Role Model Ever....Neither Will I But I'm Not Making Bank Pretending Not To Fuck For Money. Lemme Just Finish This Off With Your Too Fucking Young To Get A Brow Lift But You Needed A Chin Like Charlie Sheen Needs To Go Back Into Rehab....BADLY.

Nuff Said

2011-05-04T18:56:00.001-07:00

We Can Make This Work

2011-05-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Kingston Rossdale,

I Know Your Only 4 And That I Am Just Another Cougar In Training Or "Babysitter That Isn't Allowed By Schools Or Public Parks" But I Really Think We Have Something Special. I Don't Drive And Your Strictly On Scooter Or Stroller Hopping. But I Honestly Think I Love You. Your Sense Of Style Is Decades Above Those Other Whack Wanna Be Star Babies And You Really Know How To Rock A Those Expensive Kid Brands.

I Love That Your Blonde But Not Afraid To Show Your Roots That's So Mature Of You. But To Pick Up Other Women Infront Of The Phototags Has Really Jilted Me.

I Thought What We Had Was Unquiely Ours. If I Had Known You'd Be Playing The Field I Wouldn't Have Invested So Much Of My Heart, NO....MY SOUL Into Devoting Myself To You. I Wouldn't Say I'm Heartbroken But Disappointed Like Any Teacher Would When Her Favorite Pupil Has Stopped Measuring His Penis In His Text Book And Purposely Leave It On Her Desk. I Feel Like Kel Without Keenan, Like When Buffy The Vampire Slayer Left The WB For UPN, Like When Ryan Gossling Stopped Making Young Hercules.....BETRAYED. Kingston I'll Wait For You Not Because In The State Of California Our Relationship Won't Be Legal Until Your Finally 18 But Because Your Mother's Restraining Order Still Holds Up Until 2015.

Royal BJ

2011-04-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

Royal Wedding

2011-04-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Good Touch, Bad Touch, Restraining Order

2011-04-22T16:40:00.001-07:00

Cookie The Ticklish Penguin Is My New Ringtone. It Reminds Me Of The Noise This Stupid Bitch Made When She Drank Tequila For The First Time. Awee Middle School....

Rap Battling

2011-04-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

So This Tuesday I'm Making My Rap Debut By Rap Battling At Real Quick For Fun. Which Is Going To Be An Epic Night. I'm Going To Get REAAAL Weird And All My Favorite MEN Will Be There For Hosting Duties. Check Out The Event Here. Should Be A Night To Remember Or Have The Internet Remind Me Afterwards.

C MaSheen

2011-04-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

So My 67 Year Old Thai Mother Ditched Me Again This Weekend. She Ended Up Going To See Charlie Sheen. This Is Literally The 10th Time She's Gone And Done Something Cool Without Me This Year. She Went To See P!nk This Year Anddddd I Could Have Met Lamar Odem With Her A Few Years Ago....I Could Have Been On E! With My Crazy Family Ruining Lamar's Sleep At Night. I Hope Charlie Was This Good Last Night.

Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

Introducing FUSCHIA!

2011-04-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's Hard Not To Love Manila Luzon. She's Fierce, Funny And Frank. Her Fashion Sense Is Sickening And Best Part My Girl IS AZN! Loves It. She Puts The Gay In Geisha. I've Been Catching Up On My Drag Race Lately And I Had The Great Please Of Finding The Man I'm Going To Marry. Matt Mcmanus Was One Of The Jocks That Was Transformed Into A Fishy Fishy Sister. And One Of My Favorite Heather's Was Teamed Up With Mcmanus. (I'd Let Put His Mcmanus In My Anus) HA.

So Matt My Future Ex Husband Is Really Fucking Funny. I Fell In Love The Moment He Said "Hard". Then He Continued To Make Me Scream Out Loud With His Body Language And Witty Come Backs. I Want Him To Let Me Dress In Up And Bang Me While He's In Drag. Is That A Little Too Much Info? It's Not Like I Haven't Done It Before. Stop Judging Me.

Entrances Are Everything GIRRRRRRL

I Really Loved This Episode I'm Kinda Pissed I Allowed Myself To Get So Behind On Drag Race. It's Basically My Tranny Bible. If Your Going To Learn How To Be A Fully Tucking Tran Tran Hook Hook Matt Had One Of The Best Teachers.

How Can YOU NOT FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY? He Reminds Me Of These Guys From My High School. They Were The All American Athletes Yet Were So Flipping Funny. Those Two Things Hand In Hand Make Me So Moist. Matt Is Like If Ferris Bueller And Michael Phelps Had A Buttbaby.

Lemme Just Lay Down Some Epic Shots Of Manilla Before I Leave You.

This Is How Nature Should Be Narrated

2011-04-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THIS!

Crown Eagle Vs The Water Chevrotain

I Put The FUN In Funeral

2011-04-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I Know Someday I'll Die. But I Hope It's From Something Epic Like Crush By WWE Wrestler In A Sex Act Gone Right. I Even Have A Letter Written Out Stuffed Into All My Pillow Cases Just For That Occasion. Anyway Ryla Found A SATC Clip That Reminded Me Of How I'd Like To Be Remembered.

Not Only Does Lexi Remind Me Of Myself And The Rest Of Team Trash But My Current Feeling Towards New York As Well. Bleh. Everyone Is Quitting Smoking Because It's Expensive But If You Ask One Of Your Asshole Friends They'll Say It's For Health Reasons. Oh REALLY? Is This The Same Asshole Friend That Only Drinks Soy Milk And Wont Touch Red Meat??? Yet They'll Do A Fat Rail Of Coke Off The Bathroom Floor In Southside Because It Brings Back Memories? Ugh Sooooo Over That BB.

When New York Comes Back To Life Maybe I Wont Dream About My Funeral.

I'd Rather Be Remembered As The Loud Mouth Filthy Ride Or Die Bitch That I Am. Sure I've Grown Up And Made Changes In My Life But You Can't Kill Herpes. HA!

Probably Should Line My Coffin With Lead, Call The Police Ahead To Keep The Protesters At A Safe Distance, Hire My Favorite Trannies To Perform A Fantastically Rehearsed Mash Up Of "All That She Wants" By Ace Of Base And "Be My Lover" By La Rouche. Oh And Slash Had To Be There. I Don't Want Him To Perform Unless He Has The Bronx Cobra Around His Neck.

MARCH MADNESS

2011-03-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

I Recently Got A Real Job While Promoting My Thai Food Catering Business. So I've Been Falling Behind On Blogging My Thoughts. But Be Sure To Follow My Twitter @DaddyIssues

In The Mean Time Of Me Confronting My Adulthood Head On I'd Like To Share Some Of My Favorite Things. Oprah Isn't OWNing Me Today Ladies....Unless She Gives Me A Free Ipad 2 Or Gives Me Dr.Oz's Phone Number I Don't Owe Her ANYTHING.

So Lemme Just Highlight Some Of The Things I've Been Obsessing With. (Besides Penis,Glitter, And The Drag Queens That Have Both)

First Off The Wife And I Discovered A Great Movie.It's Called Mystery Team And Stars Donald Glover From Community. Donald Plays Jason A High School Senior With The Soul Of A 10 Year Old. He Spends Majority Of His Free Time Solving Petty Crimes With His Two Best Friends Charlie The Strongest Kid In Town And Duncan The Boy Genius. The Boys Have Been Foiling 7 Years Olds From Stealing And Have A 24 Booth Where A Redheaded Special Needs Adult Girl Bikes By To Tell The Boys Her Tips. Like The Comish And Batman With The Bat Signal Except Commissioner Gordon Is A Hot Redhead Riding Her Bike Around Town Talking To Trash Cans And Harassing The Little Kids At The Park Because Her Aging Grandmother Who Probably Takes Care Of Her Is Too Tired To Keep Her Chained Up In The Basement.

Anyway The Boys Get Their Hands Full When Asked To Solved A Double Homicide. From The Great Cameos From Other Comedians To The Best Lines Ever This Movie Is Def Worth Watching Stoned On A Sunday Night When Family Guy, American Dad And Everything Else On Fox Is All Reruns. Or Because I Said So And You'll Never Understand Anything I Say Because It Would Be A Line From This Movie. I've Also Discovered There's A Boatload Of Webisodes On YouTube. That's Like Getting A Dick Pic On Your Cell And Sending It To One Of Your Girls To Show Her What Your Getting Later But Then Send It To Everyone On Your Cell. Now Everyone Knows What Great Dong Your Getting Later. (Fun Fact: Donald Glover Also Goes By DongLover....)

Ahanu And I Have Been Quoting This Movie Nonstop. Some Favorites Are:

"Whatever You Do Don't Suck Their Dicks"

"FUCK! Yeah I Say Fuck Now! I've Been Trying It Out In The Backyard"

"What Is That?"
"My C-Section Scar. For 5 Bucks I'll Let You Cum On It"
"I'll Give You 2 If You Tell Me What That All Means"

"I Drank Dog Pee"

"With The Market The Way It Is....It's Better To Rent Cocaine"

Secondly Bob's Burgers Has Been Making Me Cream My Lace Panties For Weeks. It Stars Some Really Talented People But The Only Person I Care About Is John Roberts The Person Behind Mittymoo....Don't Know What I'm Talking About?

Anyway I've Loved John Roberts Forever. He Reminds Me Of All The Jersey/Long Island Moms At The Malls Hasseling Me For Taking Too Long In The Changing Rooms Then Makes A Panda Express Joke When I Walk Out. Great Right? Anyway Bob's Burgers Is An Epic Addition To Fox's Animation Domination Block. Spicing Up The Family Dynamic By Adding A Family Business Which I Could Relate.

I Grew Up In My Mom's Thai Restaurant For 17 Years. Unlike Every Other Thai Restaurant Ours Had An Irish Sports Bar Connected. Out Menu Had Pad Thai,Pork Fried Rice, Chicken Pot Pie,Pizza And Burgers. I'm Not Complaining....I Got To Harass Hamptons' Celebrities, The Regulars Taught Me How To Never Settle For Your High School Sweetheart Because You'll End Up Sitting In A Bar Watching Jeopardy Every Night, And How To Place My Napkins On A Table. Enough About My Theraphy Sessions.

Bob's Burgers Is Hysterical. Bob Is a Disgruntled Dad Trying To Make It With What He's Got. His Wife Linda Is A Dreamer, His Oldest Daughter Tina Is Slower Than Hugh Hefner On A Conga Line, His Son Gene Is A Constant Reminder He Should Have Pulled Out And Louise Is The Smart Trouble Maker. Tina Is Hands Down My Favorite Animated Character With A Defect Since Timmy From South Park.

So I Rarely Watch Mtv. The Only Time I Do Is To Get My Dj Pauly D Fix From The Jersey Shore. But Something Awkward Happened One Night During A Commerical Break. I Wasn't Sure If This Was Real Or A Gag. So I Hear A Snoop Dogg Song Come Up. It's A Little Dated But Still A Classic Jam At Proms. I See This Average Ugly Girl To Start To Dance. The Way I'd Dance If I Was At A Babyshower To Lighten Up The Mood Because We're All 17 And Barely Graduated High School.

But It Turns Out This Wasn't A Gag For One Of Mtv's Failed Comedy Shows. It Wasn't For A Nick Cannon's Awful Show And Now I'm Addicted To The Commerical. If Anything It Probably Tastes Terrible But If Your A Futurama Fan It Tastes Like Slurrrrm.

Ok Kids I'm OFF. Sure I Couldda Talked About How The World Is Coming To The End And That Elizabeth Taylor Died And Pretend I Loved Nate Dogg And That I Some How Only Heard About The Shiz In Japan....But Hey! I Cry Enough That I Wake Up Next To A Fat Dog Instead Of A Naked Under Age Boy.

Your So HOT!

2011-03-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

Dave Franco Is A Total Babe. I Remember When I Watched Superbad And Saw Him As The Soccer Player That I'd Totes Bone Him. I Want To Bring Him To The Bone Yard So Bad. He Almost Looks Like Every Actor That's Played Stiffler's Little Brother. I Wanna Lick Those Perfect Eyebrows As He Motorboats My Sweet Asian Titties.

You're So Hot with Chris Mintz-Plasse and Dave Franco from Dave Franco

Happy Woman's Day?

2011-03-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

Woman's Day And Fat Tueday Fell On The Same Day This Year. All I Can Really Say Is Hooray For Boobies.
See Now I Celebrated Both!

Winning.....DUH!

2011-03-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

There's Not Much To Besides WINNING! Also Check Out This!
Charlie Is The Wild Thing. Not Only Is He An Unemployed Winner Surrounded By Pornstars And Coke Dealers But He's On EVERY Single Tv & Radio Show. If I Wasn't Convinced He Was On Drugs I'd Questioned How He's Able To Be So Busy. From Working Out For Major League 3....To Fucking These Girls With His Limp Dingle, Harass His Ex Wives, Insulting His Dad And Alienate The Rest Of His Family, Tweet Non-Stop And Some How Travel To The Bahamas.

Self Absorbed

2011-03-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

"If You Don't Love Yourself, How In The Hell You Gonna Love Somebody Else?" -Rupaul

I Can't Take No More

2011-03-03T18:31:00.000-08:00

This Video Is Dedicated To Anyone That Had To Listen To This Song At The End Of Every School Dance.

Tan Meth Head That's Not From The Jersey Shore

2011-03-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Jeremy Jackson Has Recently Sign On For Celebrity Rehab With Dr.Drew. Not Only Has Pretending To Be The Spawn Of David Hasselhoff Ruined Hobie's Life But The Excessive Tanning,Working Out And Drugs Turn This 30 Year Old Into An Eddie Hardy Wearing La Douche.

Remember When This Guy Looked Less Juiced? Less La Douche?

It's Fantastic Being Plastic!

2011-03-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

Do You Know Who That Is? It's Anna Faris. I Have Serious Mixed Emotions About Her Because She Is Really Funny And Talented. But Her Transformation From Skinny Funny Girl To Sexpot Has Been Overwhelming.

She Had Funky Teeth And Had Them Fixed. Not Really A Big Deal. She Had Her Breast Done, Not Exactly A Shocker Either. A Few NJ's Later And Lip Injections She's Really Hard To Look At.

She Looks Old, Like Haggard Old. Her Fake Lips Make ME SO ANGRY! Because I Can Only Imagine How Much Money Her Doctor Is Making By Telling Her There's Something Wrong With Her.

Ok So She Looked A Little Funky Back Then...... But These New Lips Look Like She Feel On A Hot Stove.

This Is With Airbrushing

17 Is Legal Right?

2011-03-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

By The Way.....Happy Birthday Justin!

Not Only Is He Into Older Women He's Canadian. You Know What That Means Selena......HEALTH CARE!

Oscar Party!!!!!

2011-02-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Was The Oscars Bad For You Too? Like Too Much Coke....Soft Dick Bad? Apparently They Were So Painfully Boring James Franco Was Tweeting The Whole Time And The Funniest Person There Was A Recovering Stroke Victim.

So The Best Way To Kick Off A Bad Oscar Experience Is To Throw The Perf Party To Avoid The Real Snore-Feast That Was Anne Hathaway's Costume Changes.

Fat Jew Made This How To Throw An Oscar Party Video For E! A Minute Back. His Gift Bags Were So Much Sweatier This Year.

The Fat Jew's Oscar party on E! Daily 10 from The Fat Jew on Vimeo.

Natalie Portman Is Totes Preggo. She Looked Gorg In Plum. Luckily I Stopped Myself From Vomiting With The Thought Of Her Being With Child. Congrats On The Award Not The Baby......

Another Plum Number Was Done By ScarJo. She's Single Now And I Expected Some Crazy Xtina Slut Show. But She Fell Short Of Being Anywhere Of Being Sexy. She Looked Frumpy, Her Underwear Was Beyond Visible, And Her New Post Break Up Hair Cut Is Appalling.

Mila Looked Fab In This Romantic Number Last Night. Showing Off Her Post Ballerina Bod.

Amy Adams Looked Like A Chinese Empresses From The 1920's That's Passed Out In An Opium Den Jade Included.

Jenny From Dawson's Creek Looked Like Mia Farrow Pre Adopting A Million Babies For A Mini Soccer Team.

Apparently Anyone Can Be A Country Singer These Days Because If Gwyneth Can Make It Look Easy Then It's Definitely Easy. She's The Same Broad That Teachs People How To Cook On Her Site GOOP And You Know That Girl Never Really Cooks For Herself.

Celine Dion Is Crazy. Like Batshit Crazy. She Was Seen Barking On Oprah Like A Week Ago. We All Know It Wasn't Due To Birthing Twinsie....Ewah. But She Looked Gorg In My Thai Mother's Wedding Dress From 1976. Her Singing Killed Lena Horne Twice.

Ok We Get It Your Australian!

So Mandy Moore Sucked During Her Song. I Really Wanted Her To Bust Out With Her Hit "Candy" But Instead Chuck Killed It And She Looked Like She Was Forcing Her Look.

Hailee Steinfeld Didn't Win But She Had Stolen My Heart With This Dress. Plus She Solidified My Hatred Towards Lea Michelle.

Halle Berry I Get It Your Black And Have An Oscar.

Hilary Swank I Get It You Have A Penis And Have An Oscar.

Heidi Klum And Eric Robert's Daughter Look Amazing At Elton John's Party. By Amazing I Mean Like They Were Dressed By The Gay Mafia To Look Like Disco Balls.

Dear Melissa Leo, Thanks For Dropping An F Bomb Last Night...But Could You Return My Kitchen Floor. It's Looking Bare Without The Ceramic Tiles.

Charlize Theron Needs To Stop Killin Lionfish To Make Her Oscar Party Dresses.

Cate Blanchett Was One Of My Favies Presenters. Her Dress Looks A Little Matronly/ Lady Gaga Pearl Outfit With Pee....Meaning I Loved It.

Jennifer Lawerence Really Nailed It On The Head With This Calvin Klein Collection Dress. And By "It" I Mean All The Hearts Of Gays Everywhere.

Ok JHud. The First Movie You Were In You Gained 50lbs And Got An Oscar. Now That Your Skinny Does That Mean I Can Take It Back?

Your A Single Mother Banging Ryan Reyolds. You Go Sandra Bullock You Go! No Seriously Get The Fuck Out Of My Face.

Penelope Just Got Married And Had A Baby. Just Like Her Ex She's Hiding Her Baby's Identity For A Record Breaking 184 Days Until Those Scientist Can Manufacture An Alien Baby. So After A Few Years Of Being A Beard To A Closeted Gay Man You'd Think She'd Gain Some Fashion Sense Right? Instead She Looks Like A Show Girl From 1960. I Heard This Frock Was Vintage As In The Hooker That Frank Sinatra Shot Was Buried In This And Someone Dug It Up In Time For The Awards.

Selieber Were Caught Smooching. Somewhere In Middle America An 11 Year Old Girl Is Cutting Herself In Her Basement Or That 3 Year Old Girl Finally Died From Beiber Fever.

Reese Witherspoon Looked "Elegant" And When I Say That...I Mean You Look Like A Prom Queen Reject From 2004. Plus You Looked A Lot Like This Bitch....

High On Life

2011-02-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

The First Time I Smoked Weed Was Late 2005. For Some Reason, My Gf And I Became Obsessed With Will Smith's Song And Video To His Latest Jam....Switch. It Was Iconic. And By Iconic I Mean Silly.

So Will Might Be Gay OR He Might Be Sciencitoglist. At The Time It Didn't Matter. Will Smith Was A Dying Rap Star To Us. Then He Came Out With This Jam. Being The High Folk We Were.....We Made This Our Anthem For The Summer.

With Thighs Like Those Who Needs Friends?

2011-02-26T00:35:00.000-08:00

Brigitte Nielsen Will Always Be A Hot Babe To Me.

Take A Bow TINA!

2011-02-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

So The Wife And I Celebrated Our Anniversary Together.....By Laughing And Dressing Up In Floral Print Dresses And Pretend We Were At A Boiler Room On Prom Night. You Know The Usual.

Dear Bill

2011-02-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

Answer My Calls!

Dear Bill,

You Ignored Me All Last Summer. And The Weather Is Getting Nicer. It's Just Making Me Gear Up For Our True Reunion. I Love You So Much. Your Always Be The Sexiest Man In My Eyes. I'll Even Wear A Beret And Blue Blazer.

Look At Those Hands